From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much Anita.

I appreciate your analysis of the situation. I, too, felt like just because it’s good now doesn’t mean it will be good later. My gut was telling me I was going to be “in” a tough ride with him and my choice to weather out a “tough future” is entirely on me. That I will be responsible for my unhappiness and stress, not him, because he showed me who he was in the beginning. I firmly believe now that I can’t change people, especially in their 30s. I tried doing that in my long term relationship back then and that was a painful lesson I learned. A friend of mine mentioned that my sadness might stem from abandonment issues (my parents didn’t raise me and left me with an abusive grandparent) but somehow his choice of sticking with his lifestyle instead of furthering our relationship didn’t feel personal to me! It was a hooray moment because I’ve accepted that he won’t change and his choice is about him and not me.

I am also going to figure out how to pace a relationship and not get suckered in when I get pursued hard. I think I was pining for unavailable men who checked my boxes but wasn’t ready for a relationship and so when he came around, he seemed to check my boxes and was so kind, consistent, caring, and quick to introduce me to my circle that I ignored the red flags.

Again, thanks so much for checking in with me and offering your empathy and perspective.