Hi Anita,

A lot of what you said makes sense.  I definitely think the inner child in me likes the excitement and ups and downs that a fling with an inconsistent guy creates.  But on the other hand, there is a part of me that genuinely wants a long-term relationship with someone who shows consistent interest in me.  So the challenge for me has been–how to reconcile those two warring parts of me?  Does it mean to simply reject the guy that I perceive as inconsistent, and make a purposeful, concerted effort to gravitate towards the “stable” “nice”men?  I feel like that’s what I’ve been trying to do, and it hasn’t been working.  For instance, I recently forced myself to stay in a relationship with someone I didn’t have a spark with because I tried to convince myself that I don’t NEED to be attracted to the “bad” boy–and it didn’t work.  Instead, I just caused myself more pain, and caused the guy I was dating pain as well.  I ended up feeling really guilty that I didn’t end things earlier and chose to stay in a relationship with someone I wasn’t in love with–even though he had so many of the qualities I was looking for.

There’s a part of me that’s just angry at myself for continuously being attracted to guys that I know don’t want a serious relationship.  Which I guess is really anger towards that aspect of myself in me, that part of me that is scared to be vulnerable, that is scared to show my pain and scars to another person.