Dear anita,

you are right, it is better to make small steps. Often I want too much at once. Best to draw only a few minutes a day than do nothing at all.

Usually, once I start, I can also work for hours at home. Once I got over the initial period of procrastination and undecidedness..

Yesterday, I worked on an illustration. I was not completely satisfied with it, but maybe it is better to create something that is not perfect than creating nothing at all. But I don’t want to disappoint myself again. At least I want to be creative, no matter if the result is good or just mediocre.

In the next decade, I want to take more action, instead of being fearful. Even if I would never be commercially successful as an illustrator, I want to express myself and find my voice using art.

So far I did not believe in myself. Today I told my colleague about my dream of working as an illustrator, but he seemed sceptical. It felt disappointing, but of course I also haven’t believed in it myself. I want to show myself and others that I can do it, that I have a lot to share… I am no that “poor mouse” or “grey mouse”.

I will work more on my illustration today. Plus, I wrote my friend, if she would like to meet up from time to time to discuss our progress with our goals. I think it will benefit both of us.

Yesterday I also thought about what I am grateful for. My life is calmer now than one year ago. I get along well with my roommates and we shared our recipe for christmas cookies. When I came back from my holidays last Friday, my colleague hugged me. It was the colleague who used to make jokes about me! But now we get along better. I am proud of myself that I did not give up and that I improved my work performance. I also didn”t give up in class, when I had the feeling that my professor was irritated by me. I can feel now that he likes my drawings. I am also glad that I am cooking again as I had missed it when I stopped it during dormitory times… Last week I made a delicious fish soup and walnut bread. I know that I am good at a lot of things!

Also I think that I am seeing things clearer than one year ago and getting to know myself better and what I want and don’t want. I never want to hide again like I did last year at the dormitory. I am not a bad thing that must be hidden.

I made a self love playlist with songs that are inspiring. It has songs like “O.K” by Mabel or “Strength, Courage and Wisdom” by India.Arie. But at the moment, I feel most connected with the song “Take Me As I Am” by Mary J Blige.

Well, I am clearly feeling slowly better. But last week I was still a little bit disappointed by my procrastination. But I guess it will take some time!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Lily.