Hey all

@michelle your advice over this thread has been really eye opening and I have actually screen shot some excerpts that resonated so thank you for sticking with it! I also love your travel descriptions especially as I have lived in a couple of the places. I hope Thailand is treating you well! I like your framing about anger bring a good thing and the reasons it is hard for people to feel it. Afterwards I was reflecting that as a disabled woman I am extremely socialised to downplay my anger in all kinds of situations. The attitude is generally “be grateful for what you get and don’t expect too much” so it makes sense that I would transfer that into this situation. I also resonated with your reflections on eventually being grateful, and again I reflected that actually I didn’t like the person I was while in the relationship. I was so extremely anxious, looking for validation and just… willing to compromise on key wants because I didn’t believe I deserve them I guess. As I have mentioned briefly my ex found physical intimacy very challenging and so I settled for the idea that we would never really have a regular sexual relationship. I fell for her regardless and I believe my love for her was (is?) genuine. But I was so willing to overlook my own need for that aspect of the relationship, and that is not healthy. It’s perfectly fine for me to admit that I desire that, just as she has a right not to, yet at the time I didn’t value myself enough to admit that, and while I love(d) her regardless I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t extremely frustrating and it would have led to resentment as the relationship went on. So yes her letting things go definitely is allowing me to explore – and get to rediscover – myself and my values more.

Anyway I had a good counselling session yesterday – mentioned how posting here is helping a lot! On top of the relationship, last year, some major stresses happened in my life which I am still working through as well. It was definitely the most unsettling and one of the most difficult years I’ve had. So thank you for the reminder to be good to myself Shelby.

Had an unexpectedly emotional day at work today after messaging with a friend about some relationship issues of their own which triggered me. I ended up going to the bathroom to cry, which I really didn’t expect but feelings come as they do! We ended up meeting up later for a coffee and having a very deep and meaningful conversation (with some more crying on my end). Again, not something I anticipated on a random Tuesday but maybe the universe thought we both needed the connection. It’s weird how this experience has allowed me to share vulnerabilities with people I otherwise wouldn’t and vice versa. Being a human eh… what a ride.

Thanks for reading, and for your continued kind words. Take care all.