Dear MonaD:

I feel uncomfortable about having made the comment about this man being “cold, heartless”. First, he is not cold and heartless regarding his brother, I figure, because he is working so hard to help his brother. I suppose he wasn’t cold and heartless toward you during the year long, mostly long distance relationship. What I am thinking as a possibility is the following:

Maybe it was very easy for him to be affectionate toward you during the past year because it was almost entirely long-distance. Nothing really was required of him and it was very easy for him, and satisfying, to communicate with such a polite, accommodating, undemanding, pleasant person as yourself who didn’t ask him for anything.

It is possible that you didn’t get to know him well until recently because to know a person well, you have to know him in various contexts and circumstances. The current circumstance gave you the opportunity to learn about him what you didn’t know before, and that is, perhaps, that when he is inconvenienced he withdraws from a romantic relationship, if not in a different kind of relationship. He doesn’t only withdraw but blames the woman (you) for translating his words wrong, for trying to guilt trip him, etc.

I think that you got to know him in a new context, new circumstance.

anita