Dear Anita

I’m hit right now with extra intense feelings of hatred and rage towards people that implode inside of me, it’s crazy how intense it is, it’s almost homicidal. I imagine myself beating them or say them very cruel things I don’t feel like repeating here. And why? Because often I feel I’m implicitly treated like stupid, or with coldness, or made fun of, or treated like a clown. I wish I could be assertive and notice these feelings as they happen in real time interactions so to make myself respected but often I don’t know if it’s like this or I’m the one overthinking?

I can’t stand feeling like this, it’s a poison. Sometimes I pray I had the chance that people truly showed off as they really are towards me so that I can either exit or stay, sometimes I wish I truly had the chance to beat someone ass. I can’t help it, I’m very aggressive and resentful

Many times I’ve considered I may be borderline or have some personality disorder, given how strongly I need certain people love but can be very hateful and spiteful towards them at the same time

(Thanks for your throughout response to my entry btw. Much of what you read is merely a translation of something a lot more twisted and not easily comprehensive that sometimes still happens in my mind.)