Hey both.

Yep, an awesome day celebrating, despite quarantine! Mr S (as I’m going to call him from here on as I’m fed up writing partner!) & I made the most of the sunshine and had a picnic in our garden with lots of our favourite food & drinks from places we’ve travelled to.  Then we slobbed out with pizza and a romantic movie in the evening. Stylish eh 😉  Still no idea where 20 years has gone but it was fun remembering all our different ups & down over the years – as well as dreaming & planning out what’s next once we’re ever allowed out again!

@Genie.  Hmm. So first up, it doesn’t really matter what I think, it’s always your decision as to what feels best for you. You know yourself and Jay best. But I’m happy to offer my perspective.  I guess I would first say that I see the whole ‘living in the moment’ thing a little differently. Some people just jump in for the hell of it and take it to mean don’t bother to think things through or consider the consequences. Whereas I tend to think of it as making a considered decision to do something, understanding the possible different outcomes and accepting I can’t know which one will happen but that I’ll cope with each of the different possibilities. Thus by giving up control and fear of the outcome, I’m free to enjoy the moment. Fortunately not everything takes that long to think about! Especially the better you know yourself over time.  Though as I’m also known for jumping into things with two feet at times, I’ve taken my time learning this one!

So on the Jay staying at yours thing specifically? Honestly, I think it’s a big step to go from not really dating to spending a lot of condensed time together straight off, especially when you’ve been anxious about even regularly talking. I get it’s not easy to find a middle ground in the quarantine. Staying together defn has obvious questions on what happens physically so you’d have to be reasonably open & upfront on what you are and aren’t ready for if you want to help the whole thing go well. You could always do so without getting heavy about it, something like “are you going to be ok sleeping on the sofa…..” or whatever. I wouldn’t say Jay would have expectations but he’ll clearly have hopes – after all,he’s probably got his own giddy teen thing going on!  Most importantly – you want to go into anything like this thinking the risk is worth it and being happy about it. Not nervous that if you say no or keep delaying he’ll lose interest. So at the end of the day it’s trying to understand what’s holding you back and whether that’s a good reason or not. And then go for it either way and have confidence in your own decision making 🙂

@Adelaide. Ha – I loved your description of the rules in your head. I know exactly what you mean. I think it’s something about believing if we do everything “right”, then it will all be ok. Which is complete rubbish ofcourse as there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, just what we think is best. So absolutely, it’s all about breaking old habits, well-grooved thought patterns which do so often follow us from childhood. Brains are notoriously lazy/efficient and will absolutely cling to the well-known and safe habits and thoughts, even when they are no longer useful for us. They will cling to the familiar at all costs regardless. One of the things I think you’d enjoy reading about is building up your resilience, it’s like gaining the quiet inner confidence that lets you live you life how you want to.  Humour has always been my secret weapon, I find it easy to laugh at myself and when you can see when you are being ridiculous, it snaps you out of it pretty quickly!

I am not at all surprised to hear your iso-date has followed up already – hope you have some good ideas for your next one?! I think it’s so awesome you are finding a way to work around the quarantine challenges. Perhaps it’s something Genie could suggest to Jay, as a half-way house too, if she doesn’t go for the inviting him over to stay route.  Well done on not responding in the same way to either your ex or your ‘flirt-pal(?)’ – it is all you can do – one step at a time and I bet you now feel much more confident about being able to do the same again next time.  I was sorry to hear about your loss of your flat-mate. I think suicide is especially hard to deal with as on top of the loss itself there’s all the anger and sadness you couldn’t help or didn’t see it coming. All normal feelings but nothing that makes it any easier to deal with. A virtual hug from me if it helps at all.

Take care both, catch up another day.