Dear anita,

thank you for the recipe! I will try it some time. It sounds a bit like cooking spinach.

Yes, I am doing o.K. During the last days I have been drawing consistently, slowly making progress with one of my projects. It still feels like too little, but I am doing better than before.

Also, I did try out some dance workouts from youtube during the past days. That really made me feel a little better. I have always loved dancing, but as a child I didn’t have the possibility and later  in classes I always felt too self-conscious. So learning from videos is a good choice for me. Even if I look like a fool, nobody can see it! It also doesn’t matter. I am mainly doing it, because it makes me feel in tune with myself and to stay fit.

I am used to being lonely, so I know how to entertain myself. But sometimes I also miss socializing. With the worries about everyday life, I didn’t really notice. But now I notice more. And I was thinking about a fantasy relationship… How I would cook for someone,spend time together, go outside for a hike in nature and just to be there for each other. How I would like to hug someone, be hugged, just be gentle with each other. But then I also feel that it is impossible. I tell myself: just give up, best to focus on drawing and a simple life, at least there is some hope there. And when I think at my attempts at relationships, I get more depressed.

Relationships are so difficult for me. I know if there was the possibility, I would be so scared. I would need someone to be really patient with me. I would need myself to be patient with me. There is also this conflict in me about liking to be alone (which feels safe to me) and wanting to be in a relationship (which feels scary).

I guess recently I was just too much in my own head. Sometimes I talked to my roommates or my parents, but we are also not that close. My best friend is always busy. She still works, even works more. She has her boyfriend, the people at her dormitory. She met a lot of new people there. Well, it’s no wonder, she is amazing. I am happy for her, that she is doing good, but I also miss her. And to be honest, sometimes I feel a bit jealous. Jealous because she has so much time to spend with others, but she barely calls me. Usually I am the one who calls. Also jealous because she is liked by everyone, while I was just the weirdo at the dormitory… But I know it is stupid to compare. We are different people and I am happy (sometimes surprised that she likes me) that I know her and that she wants to be my friend.

She told me, that she often forgets to answer or call back people. I guess that’s just the way it is. It’s not personal. In the past we talked more, even daily. Now once a week, if I call her. But of course she has a lot of other people and things in her life.

After the pandemic is over, or has gotten better, I should try building more relationships I think. It’s not fair of me to rely so much on my best friend for support. The thought of meeting new people is also scary, my comfort zone is being alone. Then I feel like I can be free, I can be me. With other people, that’s rarely the case. Only if I know someone really well, like my best friend.

I try to remind myself that I also have some good qualities, that could make me a good friend.

But it’s not really possible at the moment anyways, to get to know people. So I try my best to keep up my routine, draw daily, go for walks, cook, exercise… I know I can be thankful that I am safe and healthy. Best to focus on that! I am actually thankful for a lot of things. Thankful that my friends and family are safe and healthy. Thankful that my living situation with my flatmates is peaceful. Thankful that I live in a country with a decent health care and social system and a responsible leader. Thankful that I have enough money saved to live for a few months without worrying. Thankful that nature is still out there to explore and give me comfort. Thankful for music to listen to. Thankful for having more time for drawing. Thankful that I am getting to know myself better and feeling more at peace with myself than before. There is a lot to be thankful for.

Hope you are taking care of yourself! And I hope the times of socializing with others again will come soon enough for you too. Have a nice day!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lily.