Dear Stephen:

There will be three parts to this post: part 1: my thoughts regarding the quotes from what you shared Dec 2014- July 2016; part 2: Responding to  your post today.

Part 1: About ten years ago, you graduated from college with the feeling of not being very good at anything much and without much enthusiasm about life. You then discovered running and physical fitness; you found something that you were good at and you found an new enthusiasm for life. Following years of feeling somewhat anxious, running and taking on physical fitness as a lifestyle (personally and socially) led you to feel “a peace.. that is hard to describe”, and you were high on life.

You wrote to a member regarding the context of a romantic relationship: “Taking responsibility for what you did means you realize what you did was wrong, and you vow to try and not do  it again. It doesn’t mean that you need to keep beating yourself up about it. It’s easier said than done, I know: I understand all about having insecurities”- I can see your inclination to believe that you are doing something wrong, feeling that you are a bad person for doing something wrong, beating yourself up for it, and vowing (a strong word) to not do  that wrongdoing again!

I can almost see early life experiences when a parent perhaps reacted badly to something small that you  did, something not necessarily wrong at all, and definitely something not intended to hurt your parent- chastising you.. quietly or loudly. That parent’s exaggerated, negative reaction gave you the impression that what you did must have been very wrong and bad, to deserve such an exaggerated reaction.

Your reply to a member regarding depression: “I’ve gotten my toes wet with depression before, and I know it is terrible, soul sucking, vampire of a disease… I’ve been to the point where I’ve lost my passion. As a matter of fact, I’m there now, but I’m slowly getting out of it… I know that depression is an obstacle, and sometimes we think it’s unconquerable”- tells me that you suffered from low to moderate depression much of your life, at times more than moderate. And I know that depression is the brain/ body getting exhausted from experiencing anxiety, sort of taking a break from anxiety and resting in calm despair.

You wrote later: “Certain kinds of people, myself included, fill our free time with rumination.. interact with people who didn’t break your heart… this is what I would have told my younger self: stop moping, go lace up your sneakers, breath deep, and smile”- I can see your anxiety fueling your habit of ruminating, and I can see your anxiety in your younger self moping, anxious and therefore in need to “breath deep”; sad or depressed, and therefore in need to “smile”.

March 2015: “I’m not at peace with myself”.

Part 2: I will next use your words, and only your words from your post today, but rearrange the order of your words into sentences in order of my choosing:

“Over years I have started censoring myself, because I am afraid what I want to say will sound mean, like my real nature is overly critical and judgmental of people, so I  just shut that down. When I want to say ANYTHING I just don’t, or I don’t even know WHAT to say.

I feel my mind trapped in my own body, like I can’t express my real opinions.

I feel like I constantly make little relationship mistakes, while there is nothing to criticize about my fiancé. I feel like I give  in to  compromise more than my fiancé..  me giving in 100%.  I feel anxious that I am a bad partner, like I am not doing my job as a partner well enough, when they say they want to  go back on anxiety medication.

I feel like talking about my issues with my partner will only make their anxiety worse!”

My understanding: running and getting physically fit, adopting this new  lifestyle, was not (and could not) be enough to heal you from an early life experience of elevated anxiety, some depression and an exaggerated sense of being inclined to do the wrong thing, and in so doing, bringing a disaster to your relationships (beginning with the relationship with a parent).

The endorphins of running, the peace of running in the woods, the good feeling of looking and feeling physically good, the social high experienced with other people in the fitness lifestyle, that would have been a great time to start psychotherapy and examine your childhood experience, processing the emotions and reality of what happened then, so to free your present and future life from re-experiencing the past.

What you need in a partner, is a calm woman, a level headed woman who contains her anxiety well. The woman in residency with whom you had a relationship, and a breakup in 2015, her elevated anxiety during her residency was too much for you to handle: “I felt it vicariously, and I couldn’t handle it”. Your current girlfriend is suffering from elevated anxiety recently, and you feel it vicariously as well.

In your current relationship, you are so afraid to say or do the wrong thing, so used to push the breaks, to pause, that not  only don’t you say what you think, you don’t know what you think (“I don’t even know WHAT to say”). This means that you got so used to pause between thinking and talking, that you proceeded to pause before you think.

March 2015, you wrote to a another member: “Sometimes people fall into  a habit where they think that what they say or do is said and done jokingly, or that it’s not that big of a deal, but they don’t realize how it affects other people”.

I am wondering if your girlfriend says or does things to you that affect you negatively. When in a relationship where we re-live a distressing early life experience (being afraid as you are to say or do the wrong thing, to make mistakes and ruin the relationship), sometimes the partner encourages that re-living of the past by their way of interacting with you. What are your thoughts?

anita

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