Anita,

I like how you make the intentional decision to wait relaxed instead of waiting anxiously. That can be difficult but worth it, and I know you can do it!

To your last question, yes, my mother’s attention, to him, is worse than the virus. Most definitely.

I am officially graduated! But there are new things to worry about, like an internship trip to San Diego falling through and applying for jobs, that I am trying to surrender to.

I am also trying to surrender to this new relationship in my life. I started seeing someone (potentially seriously, we’re not exclusive) for the first time in my life in February, and then the virus happened. Things are going really well, but because of social distancing, intimacy and relationship progression is stunted a bit in terms of hugging, kissing, holding hands, and being in the same room as each other and getting a feel for each other’s energy and lives. I am still fairly guarded but I really like him. However, I have been having these intense feelings of loneliness, probably because of the distance I feel with this new person, let’s call him C. And this loneliness is causing me to think of reaching out to someone who had an interest in me last fall, let’s call him E, because of his guaranteed acceptance and like of me, the fact that he lives next door and C lives over an hour away, and the fact that I probably could gain some of the closeness I so acutely miss from C’s absence.

I really am sad and mad at myself for thinking this way, because these are people and not pawns for me to get me needs met by. I still feel guilty and I don’t even know why I’m thinking about E because I haven’t in months, not like that. I’ve just been feeling very unstable; like I’m on shaky ground. And I don’t know why. The newness of possibly my first serious relationship? Wanting touch? Wanting stability and security? And E is right next door while C is near the epicenter of the virus and I did tell him how lonely I’ve been and we’ve been talking more, but I don’t know how to get these conflicting thoughts and feelings about E out of my head. I even spoke to my therapist about it and I felt I didn’t really get anywhere. That’s why I’m really trying to surrender because I think I’m feeling this stress physically and I just don’t want to deal with it in addition to starting a new job and a new internship.

I apologize if this is too much! You’ve helped me in the past and I want to give you all the information.

It was foolish of me to think I’d feel much better once school ended, because I’m thrust again into uncertainty (with a lot of other people though) and I’m still not where I want to be. But that’s the journey I suppose?

I’m trying to surrender also because I’m very emotionally tired and am trying to give myself a break even though I can’t stop thinking and am very restless. Any advice?

Thank you Anita. I hope you have someone in your life and/or in this community to help you like you help the participants here!

I’m not quite sure what to do except have faith in the future and try to surrender to the present moment. On the surface, life is good… I might know where these feelings come from, in terms of my mother and childhood, but I don’t know what to do about them. Any advice or response is appreciated.

Much love,

J