Hi Anita,

Thanks a lot for replying!

The truth is that I was never really 100% happy. It was always due to circumstances that I felt like I couldn’t be fully happy. I either was doing well in school but I was missing a boyfriend. Or either in a relationship while not doing well in other fields of my life. When I met him everything came together. I was both enjoying my life and I met a nice guy. Of course I knew this ‘honeymoon phase’ would end but it just finally felt right. I’ve spend a lot of time on and healing myself, I am no longer afraid of leaving a guy, or go after my dreams. I consider myself a very courageous person. But deep down I always feel like something is missing. Because even if I am with a good guy, I still think it could be better. And now that everything fell apart and the only certain factor in my life is me living together with this guy, I am forced to look at this relationship and accept it for what it is.

So no, I don’t think that I’ll be happier if I move back and be with my family and friends. Even if I find the job of my dreams, I won’t be 100% happy. And that’s what I’m figuring out, how I can allow myself to be fully happy. And it is of course important to eliminate the things that you really don’t want, like a shitty job, but it is right now even more important to let the things that I do want, like a stable relationship, be in my life and hold on to it.

Since I started this topic, I expected things to get worse. But it actually got better. We faced even more challenges due to the pandemic and we are unsure if we’ll be able to stay here as we will simply not be able to afford it anymore. Everything we are going through is intense and it simply is too much for 2 young people in a young relationship to handle on the other side of the world. But for the first time it doesn’t feel like me against him, it feels like us against the situation. And this for me is a major improvement. The fact that we are still capable of having a good time and the spark of the beginning that is more present, means a lot.

I still have a lot to learn about myself, obviously I’ve just started life, but so does he. And I am incredibly proud of him for everything he has achieved. And it still hurts that I don’t feel like I’m on that same level but I have no control over the timing of his life and the lessons this life will teach him. So I probably blame him for the things that feel like are out of my control, just because I am afraid of the uncertainty and failing. I have to take responsibility for my life and my choices, even though they are driven by his deeds. Accept what is and just embrace the uncertainty and no better time to do that then now.