Dear Kayla:

For six years (about 22-28) you were in a relationship with a Chris, living with him at one point on. Throughout much of the relationship he gaslighted you.

* my note: in a relationship, K is the honest, well meaning person  and C is the one doing the gaslighting. When K honestly and gently brings a topic to C that bothers her, C  feels attacked and angry at K. He doesn’t respond by honestly looking at a possible validity of what K brought up, considering the possibility that he might have been wrong in any way. Instead, he automatically- without caring to examine what is true, and vehemently tells K that what she saw- she didn’t see, what she heard- she didn’t hear, what she understood- she misunderstood, and then he proceeds to accuse her for a variety of faults and past behaviors, that if true, are irrelevant to the topic K brought up, accusing K of thoughts, intents and motivations that she didn’t have!

Back to you: two years ago you found Chris’s phone open to a gay site. You begged him to tell you the truth (“I begged him to tell me the truth. If he was gay or bisexual or having sex with men I deserve to know”), but he denied and gaslighted you (“He kept denying anything and turned things around on me”).

You then ran away from him and the home you shared while he was at work, followed by him harassing you for months. Six months after you left him, you “started dating again and met a great guy”. But five months into this new relationship, you “started to look for signs that he might be gay and using me like my ex.. my hypervigilance was through the roof.. I had a severe mental breakdown that ended up with me in the ER”. This breakdown happened ten months ago.

After the breakdown, you told him everything about your past (including having been sexually abused by your grandparent as a little girl), and he was so supportive and stood by you, but through the ensuing months you “always end up pushing him away”, leaving him multiple times, asking him repeatedly if he is gay and lying about it and then crying and apologizing. He’s been very empathetic toward you throughout, never angry at you for leaving him and questioning him.

“2 days ago I told him I didn’t want him to fight for me anymore because I feel like I can’t trust him (even though he’s not done anything wrong). I just feel sick to my stomach for doing this to him and I have myself. “. You view him at times as a good man, and at other times “as a danger” to you (“worried that I’m going to be used as a gay coverup again”). And at other times, you view yourself as danger to him (“I’m the first woman he ever loved and I know I have probably completely messed him up”). You have “these extreme doubts” and you feel “so much anxiety when I think about a future with him”.

My input: You suffered psychological trauma with Chris. I say psychological to distinguish it from physical beating, for example. But psychological trauma is physical nonetheless because it involves biochemical processes in the brain and body that express themselves in the intensity of the anxiety that you are experiencing.

You experienced years of significant stress with Chris. Your stress level reached its climax during the gay site discovery event, then continued on a downward slope, yet significant,  for months after the event, while he harassed you,  reached some lower point while you were dating and at the beginning of your new relationship, and then your stress level started to go up again, reaching a new climax at the time or your breakdown ten months ago. During the last ten months, your stress level didn’t go down much.

What you are suffering from is similar to post traumatic stress disorder.

I am wondering: what has been the nature of your ten month psychotherapy, what did the therapist offer you so far?

anita

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