Thanks Anita.

I did feel good with him, for a long time. He was my closest person and we shared an incredible bond.

He coped with his issues. Good days and bad, obviously. But he had coping mechanisms (support groups, the gym etc).

We’d been trying for a baby and all was going well. Until lockdown. His coping mechanisms disappeared overnight and he went downhill fast.

He has pushed me away and embraced his addictions more and more. He doesn’t want to get better right now. Probably won’t for some time.

I’m nearly 40 and he’s desperate for a child of his own (I have one from a previous relationship). I can’t have a baby with an active addict, I am not well enough to raise the baby alone.

So that factors in to the decision too. If he wants a baby, it’s now or never with me. But he’s not ready. So it will have to be with someone else.

And, of course, he just doesn’t want to make time for anyone or anything other than addiction. I find that incredibly painful.

I’m grieving, because it was a beautiful relationship in many ways. Loving, supportive, affectionate, honest.

But now we’re here. I’m hurting and missing him.

This was the best decision for my sanity, and probably for his.

It just hurts.