Dear Loveandkisseszaphod:

I re-read some of your previous writing from Jan this year. I think that what is happening is that you adjusted to your mother being cold to you and critical of you by withdrawing inward, isolating yourself within, putting a distance between you and .. you, like a tree shedding its leaves and its branches and all that’s left is the trunk: the color is gone, the branches reaching out are gone. All that remains is the minimal self.

Fast forward you are in the warehouse with this guy and you are turned on by him, life is stirring within you- that’s a bit of the green color of the leaves, and the branches that aren’t there wanting to reach out.. but you are only a trunk, so you are quite helpless, wanting something but unbale to grab it and take it for yourself.

This is how it feels to be isolated within yourself: “Mostly I feel fine, but sometimes I feel that, all I am doing is to try to trick myself and distract my attention from my solitude… I can’t say I’m depressed. I feel ok for most of the time, but I have a strong belief that deep down, my ‘normal’ is being alone, left out”-

– a very profound description of your isolation within, an acute loneliness that you endured for so long that it feels normal, and you feel … okay.

This normal is your adjustment as a child to your mother. But you can branch out: grow those branches and fill them with green leaves, and connect with another authentically- be and become you- no longer be confused. It is possible for you, a new normal.

anita

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