Hello,

After my break with the artsy fuckboi I continued to see him around school quite a bit. When we parted ways he suggested we would stay friends because we “still care about eachother.” Yet when I reached out to talk (I thought I wanted a second chance at him—in reality, he should be lucky to get a second chance with me!) he brushed me off and kept me waiting for three months! In the meantime of course I would see him flirting with other women, pretty much right in front of my face (the graduate students share an office space).

Anyway, after a long painful process I came to realize that he just didn’t value me as much as I hoped he could. I had to take the difficult step to stop using that office (sounds easy enough but it was my workspace for several years, and a place to chat and decompress with fellow students) and move on.

I was like you, however, thinking “Ok, maybe if I see him and talk to him I will finally understand what part of me is yelling at the other half to believe… he is not worth it!” But, there is something about this guy that made that very hard for me to get. I think it is likely because there was a lot of sexual tension between us, at least on my part, so it made it hard to look at the situation logically.

All I can say is yes, you aren’t alone or even crazy for getting so messed up over this guy. It happens to the best of us. Oftentimes, I think it’s those of us who are deep thinkers and loving, nurturing people that get screwed over by these emotional vampire types. My fuckboi also suggested I was “too demanding” which really hurt and messed up my dating self-esteem for a long time. When I think back, the reason I may have come across as demanding was because I was suddenly experiencing an extremely insecure attachment. Over text, he had seemed romantic and sweet and also really really into me. When I realized this actually just meant he was crazy horny, I got nervous and doubled-down on my idea of dating this guy to keep things more in control for me emotionally. I really needed that emotional connection and trust to feel good and comfortable as I had in the beginning.

I remember, he told me that sometimes he’d have to stop texting me for a bit because he was jerking off thinking about me… like this was flattering!! Gross!

In the end it comes down to a basic incompatibility. I think we are sold on the idea of really intense and quickly escalating romances as being so so good when in the end, they fizzle out as quickly as they start. When I think back to the ways my closest, most intimate and long-lasting friendships got started, they always grew to that level over time. Intimacy right away (in this case, sexual) doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship will last. I think the sexually immature fuckbois work with this agenda in mind…

LW