Dear Anita

I took the Nyquil pills for the sleeping aid because I was feeling depressed and anxious and had been having nightmares. I was feeling quite sad before hand and after taking the Nyquil pills I felt a wave of calmness wash over me like I didn’t really care if I fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I did reach out to some LGBTQ friends who helped me. I still feel anxious in life and sometimes I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself and it’s quite straining and sometimes I just feel like I’m not really here in the world and I find myself questioning my value and whether I’m worth anything in life. My parents have never been emotionally supportive and sometimes they think I’m a disappointment because I struggle with anxiety and gender dysphoria which is sad. I think that I was mostly not caring if I lived or died when I took the sleeping pills. I saw myself through a glass and everything felt surreal like I didn’t exist and was just a walking shell in my life. I reached out to the LGBTQ friends because I cared about them a lot more than myself and they helped me. But I still find myself struggling with my life. Sometimes I wonder what career path to take because I just feel lost in gender dysphoria and anxiety. I feel like I just want to understand the world, be spiritually fulfilled and alive within myself, be out in nature and enjoy the simple things and although I still enjoy exploring science sometimes I wonder if science is just a way I chose to try to understand the world and myself and work on building myself up to transitioning and that almost makes it seem like I never really had anything that fit me I was only going after something that would help me transition because I yearn for that with every ounce of my being that I’m starting to question other things in life.