@shelbyville

Shall I make another thread so I don’t interrupt yours and @kkasxo communication? I’d still like your input /thoughts though Shelby, you helped calm me in the beginning days.

@Tim,

I find myself reaching for the bottle as comfort more and more, it soothes the emptiness at least when I’m merry there are moments of happiness or maybe ignorance but the cold reality of the situation hits after I get sober and the cycle repeats. I don’t know what to do with my life, I feel so lost. My friends and family think I’m doing amazingly well. The mask is working but remove it and I’m a mess.

It’s been 4.5 months since the last and final break up. I made a pro/con list like you suggested and the encouraging thing was there were definitely more cons. Whereas just thinking about it in my head I tended to focus more on the positive memories. The more I wrote the more I felt the view change to stark facts and not the rose view I had clung to. Writing it with a clear honest mind I see beyond our physical connection and the comforts/familiarity we definitely were not the right fit as you said. I was disappointed time and time again, he was a shit communicator, selfish, emotionally immature/ low Emotional intelligence, I wanted him to be the father of my children but he couldn’t even commit or handle the responsibility of adjusting for the both of us, I even wrote down his grooming habits which peeved me off like using my shaving blade for his privates!! Yet I was so blinded that I had convinced myself he was going to propose but instead he dumped me once more! Definition of FOOL = ME!!

There have been more days of when im not holding onto hope of a reunion anymore, I acknowledge if we did reunite it would be for validation and to try and play out the idealisation I had of him in my head. When that person doesn’t exist. So i find I’m the opposite I have no hope for the future. I’m scared I’ll never find someone. What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship? I’ve never been in it and this experience seems to have scarred me. I feel like I’ll never get to experience that so thoughts of going back to what I had creep in it’s better than nothing?  I don’t know. I don’t know. I go from one extreme to the next. When does it become better? Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?

I don’t know maybe I’m just rambling nonsense and I need to pull myself together and get a grip!