Hi anita,

That made me smile that you would copy my post for yourself. I greatly respect you and it makes me happy that you think what I say has value.

Yes, she did choke me, in so many ways. Another thing I got wrong was thinking to be kind, you have to give someone access to you at all times. She demanded that we remain friends after the breakup. And I felt so bad, and confused: not wanting her in my life, but feeling I was mean to block her. I didn’t understand that not seeking revenge was enough. Honestly, I sort of sought revenge: She left the apartment trashed when she left, and left a ton of her stuff. She wanted to come back to get it, I said no. When  I was going through it I found a diary entry saying how she wanted to have sex with men and I wasn’t doing it for her. The whole relationship she blamed and shamed be for being attracted to men, saying it was “disgusting”. I was so mad I threw a lot of her stuff away, including some comics she had drawn in high school. She wanted me to mail her the comics, and when I admitted I threw most of them away she freaked out at me. I felt so so so bad and horrible. I had forgotten this happened. I wish I understood that I can choose who I allow to be in my life. I feel that if someone shows any sort of kindness I owe them or something. I guess it goes back to what we were talking about, parents saying to their kids that they owe them. And then carrying that false belief. You’re helping me to feel a lot better I feel so much calmer talking with you. I am very grateful.

I’m noticing my thoughts are slowing down, I feel less “crazy” for lack of a better word just by communicating with you. Maybe because you are sane and before I was confiding in people who were not sane, meaning still connected to insanity. Now that I am remembering how bad my ex really was, I can’t believe I even considered speaking to her! I used to still check her social media. I don’t know what I was looking for: proof of what happened maybe? Trying to keep in contact? I am not sure. But I know I must be sure not to allow her any access to me and not to torture myself by checking her social media. I feel if I can move on from this relationship and truly learn the lessons I was meant to learn I can have a great and healthy relationship in the future. I have not dated since, it’s been three years. I did have a one night stand when I visited Amsterdam a couple years back, but that was it and I felt guilty after the one night stand. That kind of thing isn’t for me. I have not trusted myself to be able to discern a good relationship from a bad one. I tell myself sometimes I don’t want a relationship but it isn’t true. Another former friend tried to rush me into dating again and made me feel badly for being single. But honestly I am okay being alone. I enjoy my own company, and I am learning more about who I am outside of a partnership. I also hope that if I can be strong on my own I can attract a healthy partner. I am not completely sure at this time what I would want in a partner but I hope to find out.

Contrary to what people have said to me I have not lost hope in love, I just want to be sure I am ready for it. I would never want to date someone and possibly hurt them because I have not healed from my wounds. It isn’t fair to use people this way, yet so many people do it! Just as you mentioned, relationships should be win-win. I am not looking for someone to take all of my pain away. This former friend got divorced around the same time my relationship ended, then quickly started sleeping around with people, even people at our place of work (we used to be coworkers). I don’t necessarily disagree with casual sex but I feel it’s not healthy to try and heal through casual sex. She was also of the belief that women can do no wrong which wasn’t good for me. Not only do I want to find a healthy partner I also want to find healthy friends too. I didn’t realize just how much your environment affects your mental health even when you are not fully aware of it. I hope to be more mindful and conscious in the future.