Dear Tania;

1. About him “watching porn regularly”- I don’t like that habit and you don’t like it either (“make me really bad”). I don’t know if you talked to him about it. I think that you will need to talk with him about it sometime in the future, get his thoughts. Let me know what he says.

I agree with you: “besides his bad habit, he still loves me and takes care of me”. Remember you shared with me that you wore lingerie so to get him to be more attracted to you, and he didn’t like it, he wanted you back to normal? This means that in his mind, you are his wife, and the women in the porn movies are entertainment. You are in one group (the one and only wife), and the images of the women in the porn movies are in another group (many images, not real people).

2.   About love languages:  “His type of love language is giving service and gifts.. help me wash the dishes, wash clothes.. cut fruit for me”, etc., but not romance and “talk about heart things”-

– learn to be satisfied with his love language, learn to appreciate it, to take it in.. because that’s all you have. If you focus on what you don’t have (romance, talking about feelings)- then you will always be miserable.

3. About your Emptiness (“Feeling lonely, unattended to, unloved.. jealous, suspicious”):

You wrote, “for him he loves me enough. And he will get angry if he knows that sometimes I feel lonely and need more love.. he feels I am never grateful for anything he gave me.. I just feel empty inside and maybe it’s because my past situation of my life”-

– your Emptiness is about your childhood, that’s when the Emptiness happened. H did not cause your emptiness. H can not fill it in. No one can. You will have to live with the Emptiness and no longer hope that H can fill it in. This means that you take personal responsibility for your Emptiness, no longer giving H that responsibility.

“in his logic, he thinks I always feel less. He thinks he gives me anything, his time, his attention. But he sees me like I feel it’s a small thing and want more”-

– H is correct: No matter what he says, no matter what he does, it will never be enough to fill in the Emptiness. Even if he was romantic, even if he talked about heart things all day long- he can never fill your Emptiness. At best he can make you feel good for a short time, but the Emptiness will be back too soon after, and you will be asking for more romance, more.. more.. and nothing will ever be enough.

This Emptiness is what I referred before as your childhood emotional experience, and I suggested that the slow, gradual healing from that experience can begin for you in quality psychotherapy. H is unable to heal you. I am unable to heal you. Only in a professional setting with a qualified professional, can healing begin.

4. About being in the background: “I think he likes me to be in the background while he does anything.. sometimes talking with me about what’s he seen and what’s attract his attention”-

– I am like him much of the time: I am introverted in real life, meaning I don’t like to interact with people on and on and on. It is too difficult for me, it makes me tired and bored. I feel comfortable with people doing their thing while I am doing my thing, and talk at times, but not often. People that need my attention a lot, talking to me a lot- that makes me tired. I don’t like it. I can’t change this about myself, and I figure H can’t change that about himself either.

5. About your focus being on him (“My attention is still on him. Really much”)-

– when you fully understand that it is impossible for H (or any man, no matter how hard he tried, no matter how romantic etc.), to fill in your Emptiness, you will no longer focus on him, waiting and waiting and watching every move he makes, all in the hope of him filling in that Emptiness.

No longer seeing H as your savior, you will be able to focus on other things (your healing, I hope), and in some time from now,  on your own baby.

anita