Dear Katie:

I think that it is a good idea to ask him “what do you think is going to happen to us?”, or what I suggested- to ask him: “what do you want to happen to us” or “is there something you want to happen to us”?

Notice all that hoping you’ve been expressing from the beginning of your thread-

Nov 2: “I  love him and am so hopeful... I am still hopeful but exhausted emotionally.. Hopefully this therapist will guide him to a good place”, Nov 3: “I hope his therapist is a good one”, Nov 4: “I’m hopeful that he can get his OCD under control.. I hope his therapist is qualified to help him”, Nov 5: “hopefully things will progress from there. I’m hoping she deals with his inadequacies from high school..”, Nov 6: “But here I am.. forever hopeful“, Nov 8: “I still hope his therapy is helping.. I feel like I need to start signing my posts as ‘Hopeful in NJ‘ (like ‘Sleepless in Seattle)”, Nov 9: “today is a bad day. I am hopeful tomorrow will be better”. Nov 10: “I’m still hopeful that his therapy is helping.. hoping he would get better to be the better that I deserve… I am hoping for his change to what he was before.. I hope that man from a few years ago returns”… (I am skipping many posts and a few pages, all the way to this page, page 13), Dec 4: “As you know, I am always hopeful“.

But Katie, what is the basis in reality for all this hoping?

Here are the difficulties I see: (a) He hasn’t shared with you what’s been happening in his therapy, or what he is trying to accomplish there (did he?)

(b) You offered to join him in therapy- he hasn’t been interested yet.

(c) He expressed anger at you, told you that his therapist recommended that he doesn’t contact you too much because “he’s too angry with me”, “he is angry at me because he thinks I am the cause of his suffering.. He plays the victim role very well”; during the 3rd session with his therapist, the one you joined him at the end of last year, the therapist told him: “this is not Katie’s problem, this is your problem”, and bf “didn’t like that; he felt it was a relationship problem”-

– All these elements: his anger at you, seeing you as the cause of his suffering, playing the victim role well.. and not wanting you in therapy with him.. all this does not form a base to all that hoping!!?

All your hoping is leaving you sad and exhausted and anxious. Time to find out what is happening in concrete terms instead of  just waiting and hoping.

anita