@Tim , sorry about the delayed  response, work has been mad busy in lead up to the Christmas break.

I hope you read this even if you can not respond. Thanks so much bro, I’m saddened there will be no other male on here. One time I didn’t mind sharing the ladies! Good luck with your new family and congratulations on your nuptials. I may be crossing over from the bachelor life too very soon. Fingers crossed. I never quite believed it being the red blooded male I am, until it unravelled in front of me but your advice and guidance for me was on the money. You were right the deep emotional chemistry is more special and has triumphed against the need for the physical side. I appreciate that connection of being understood and supported more than ever.

Coming on here to post was the best decision I ever made, if i had continued to listen to the lads I hate to think where I’d be. Your life experiences, I personally think have been more valuable then what I would have gained from sitting with a professional just nitpicking at my childhood and finding reasons for my behaviour.

This thread all of you have given me great feedback, I took the information and then researched it and made improvements. Thank you @Kkasxo, @Shelbyville and @Sammy!!

@Sammy mate thanks so much for that reply. Really humbled, I really felt your pain from that bit of context you gave. Glad that you out of everyone has appreciated my progress, I hope it reassures you that there are men who mess up but will do everything to make it right amongst all the shitty ones who never really take accountability. I know I brought up pain for you when I posted that very first post.

I think you’ll go on to being happy whatever happens. You’re a strong lady who lost herself a bit in a shitty relationship with an immature boy but you’re going to rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I have no doubt your next relationship if you decide to embark on one will be solid! I hope the guy you meet is ready for you because you’re great! I know you want someone capable of growth but I hope he doesn’t need any metamorphosis like Tim and I. I hope he is ready to support you right away, you deserve that.

You have taken time to really work on your weak points. So can only become greater. Don’t give up hope!

I had really been trying to get a broader understanding of my feelings and actions.

I didn’t want to go down the self pity road where I blamed my past.

The whole growth for me was in process before I came on this thread but you all gave so many wonderful pointers in the right direction. @Shelbyville journeymate concept really challenged me the most.

I tried searching for it but there wasn’t much literature on it, just Christine Hassler sound cloud who proclaims we don’t need the person who illicited the feelings of growth within us.

I thought to myself how could I possibly say that about ‘B’. That she had done her work and needed to leave, we would never say we no longer need our parents or role models who have taught us so much. We cherish them.

When I applied the concept to my relationship with ‘B’ its almost like this journeymate concept was giving me an excuse for using ‘B’ to fulfil a need and now I was capable to do it without her. That didn’t sit right with me at all. It allows people to shift blame off of their own bad actions and use it as a crutch for avoiding real hard growth by simply stating something happened for a reason. That to me was just lazy thinking and absolving oneself from accountability.
Saying that the reason they happened to enter our lives was to help us is a convenient and selfish excuse and it outright ignores the pain that these same circumstances have caused to the other person.

I couldn’t ever feel at ease knowing ‘B’ entered my life and my actions caused her to leave but it was ok to hurt her because I learned something. What about her would she feel the same, it happened for a reason and her pain was a fair collateral. I had to find meaning not simply say it happened for a reason.

What was I going to do with this event that happened and affected both of us? I did the work to recognise my failings, I took accountability and repented
I self forgave and then committed with intent to an amazing woman. I created meaning and value out of it. I’m a better man for it.

So thanks a lot @Shelbyville. I don’t think I’d have found enough courage to fight my fears and self doubt.That concept enraged me to the point it spurred me on. It helped me move from being a victim of my circumstances to the creator of my future! I know I will have a bright future with this delightful woman by my side.

For many who will pass through but especially men. I want to say our nature is to compartmentalise. We break up with someone and can close a door and erase it. However if you really listen to your body the intensity of that memory will be carried on until we face up to it. Until we learn and rectify it. I feel more at peace in my soul then I have in a very long time. That began by talking, expressing and acknowledging my real feelings. With ‘B’ it could have gone the other way but after that meeting to apologise. I felt proud of the man I’d become being able to face her and ask her how did my behaviour affect you, give closure to that chapter. Facing uncomfortable emotions is what minimises our fears.

Thank you everyone 👊