Hi Emily
Thanks for sharing your story. It doesn’t sound ‘crazy’ to me at all.  I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m glad your reaching out and taking steps to deal with your experience. I wish I had some thing to say that would help you, all I have to offer is encouragement to keep taking those steps.

I am reminded of something I read in ‘Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life’ by Philip Simmons, that has at time created space for me to breath

We are all—all of us—falling. We are all, now, this moment, in the midst of that descent, fallen from heights that may now seem only a dimly remembered dream, falling toward a depth we can only imagine, glimpsed beneath the water’s surface shimmer. And so let us pray that if we are falling from grace, dear G_d let us also fall with grace, to grace. If we are falling toward pain and weakness, let us also fall toward sweetness and strength. If we are falling toward death, let us also fall toward life. – http://www.learningtofall.com/excerpt.htm

Be kind to your self, I wish you well

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.
Deep peace from the Son of Peace to you,
Deep peace, deep peace..