Dear trustagain:

There will be three parts to my reply:

1. About happiness and bliss in relationships: you wrote about your recent relationship: “it was happiness at first, pure bliss and nothing else, I am pretty sure all relationships started like this, but somehow, it all turns into something I am afraid of, that I never thought of.. I had hopes and dreams regarding.. us”

– Happiness and pure bliss is a temporary state of mind made possible by certain chemicals in one’s brain. It is temporary whether achieved by injecting certain drugs, or by entertaining unrealistic, inflated hopes and dreams about a beginning relationship.

Often, the subjective experience of happiness and pure bliss (I will refer to this state of mind/ subjective experience as “bliss”, to keep it short) does not indicate an objective reality of happiness and bliss. Not everyone in a beginning relationships feels bliss because not everyone entertains unrealistic and inflated hopes and dreams about a partner and a relationship.

The greater the bliss felt, the bigger the fall from bliss: “I am angry that it didn’t turn out to what I hope it was.. I am still hopeful”- when a woman has unrealistic expectations of a man, when the man inevitably falls from the expected greatness- the woman gets angry.

“I am still hopeful”- hope is a good thing, as long as it is realistic.

2. About aggression in relationships: in your previous thread of November 2020, you shared about this relationship: “harsh words were thrown at each other, toxic behaviors towards one another”. Jan 2021, you shared: “He became someone that I don’t know of, someone that hurled vulgarities when angered.. we bring out the worst in each other… I did contribute to the quarrels that occur, but I have made it very clear a lot of times that I want no vulgarities to be thrown at”-

– you were aggressive toward him and he was aggressive toward you. You confronted him about his use of vulgar language, but did you talk with him about the need that the two of you no longer express any form of aggression toward each other?

You shared: “I didn’t realise that what he said was contrasting to his actions.. saying he care, saying that he love”- didn’t you tell him that you cared for him too, that you loved him too, but then threw harsh words at him (“harsh words were thrown at each other”)?

3) About your question: you asked, “How much time do I need to put it all behind me?”- my answer:

a- to put this particular man and this relationship behind you, it will probably take getting involved with a new man and a new relationship.

b- to put this type of experience behind you and have a healthy relationship in the future, it will take as much time as you need to learn what needs to be learnt,  and change your choices and behaviors as a according to what you learn.

anita