Morning Anita,

Yesterday, I invited her over for dinner this Thursday, to which she readily accepted. I am hopeful that we can really communicate after dinner. While I accept that she does not see a romantic relationship with me, I am curious if she sees anything beyond just a casual friendship. I still believe that she saw something there, but perhaps the age difference between us was something she was not comfortable explaining to her parents. I don’t know. I maintain that there was something there between us, but perhaps the reluctance on her part was because of our age difference or that I would see something in her that she wished I hadn’t.

Part of me doesn’t feel like having a discussion with her is worth the trouble. She has done her best to withdraw and decrease/limit her contact with me outside of work since we returned from the cabin, and more so since our talk last week. When we do talk/text, it’s never strained or awkward–always fun and easy as has been the norm.

I’d like to think that I’m a better caliber of man than she is accustomed to around here, but there is a heavy reluctance on her part to only share what she is comfortable with. I’d like to know if she saw and read my email to her last week. I’d like to get to know here on a deeper level, and have a real and genuine friendship, but I don’t know if she truly wants that. There’s an obvious physical attraction—but I’ve never pushed for sex, and she made it clear that she becomes attached when she has sex (good old oxytocin!)—and I’m not about to push for it now that she has moved on.

I’m torn in wanting to know her more and giving up and trying to just exist as coworkers. Obviously this is one of the perils of the heart when having any sort of relationship outside of work with a coworker. The danger of feelings getting involved as she warned about before our second “date” back in early December. I’m uncertain as to how she’ll react if I push for more and am fearful that this will be the last supper for us (pardon the pun).

I think what is frustrating is that I see in her what I used to do in relationships:  Fearful of judgement or disappointment, I was unwilling to let my partner in by maintaining or fortifying the walls, so that they never really knew the “real me.” I can see that reflect in her so clearly now. She enjoys her time with me, cares for me, and is attracted to me; however, due to her perceived flaws or fears, she keeps me at a distance, so she protects herself and controls the relationship. This, based on my experience, makes the other person anxious and walking the tightrope to either a deeper relationship or falling and being hurt.

I dislike this feeling of longing and a piece of me regrets forming a relationship with her. While I realize danger the of longing for a romantic relationship before knowing who the other person is, I know there was something there. I hate to toss that away when there is an opportunity for a genuine relationship that can enhance our lives.

Ryan