Dear Nar:

You are welcome. I will respond to what you shared in regard to your mother and your relationship with her part by part, responding to one sentence before I read the next:

“Up to I was a teen, I had feelings of strong attachment and fear towards her”- the combination of being physically dependent and attached to a parent and feeling fear of that same parent (Dependence/attachment + Fear) is what gives birth to obsessive thinking. When we fear someone whom we don’t depend on and to whom we are not attached- we get away from that person and the problem is solved. When we fear someone on whom we depend and to whom we are attached- we can’t and will not get away from, therefore- the problem is not solved.

Problem is not solved-> we keep thinking about how to solve it aka obsessing.

“I just started hating her. Then I begged her to send me abroad to study”- that’s you wanting to get away from her, because you feared her. Anger and hate often follows fear as a way to motivate us to get away from the person we fear.

“at 17 I was sent to the UK to study”- you physically/ geographically got away.

“From 17-25 I didn’t trust my mom too much to tell her about my personal life, I didn’t hate her any more, just didn’t trust she would understand me”- being physically away lessened your anger at her.

“From 26 I started telling her limited information… she really disapproved of my marriage.. when my marriage fell apart due to my ex being a psycho, I realised my mom may not always have the right things to say, but she has certain wisdom about people that I should sometimes care to listen to at least”- seems like you realized that your mother was right when she disapproved of the marriage (and perhaps you realized that in comparison to your psycho husband, your mother was sane and wise), and you figured that you made a mistake when you didn’t listen to her before, and that better you listen to her now.

“She is a true workaholic and she totally overworks herself to the detriment of her own health.. She criticised us a lot.. and blame us when she really overworks and burns herself completely out. But she did do a lot… looked after my niece at nights and went to give lectures at the university she worked at in the mornings… She blames us for.. not cleaning after ourselves.. but she never said how for 6 months she genuinely suffered looking after a new born child who was her granddaughter”-

– you are making an assumption that she suffered taking care of her granddaughter, but maybe she did not suffer, or maybe she had so much joy taking care of the baby that it made up for the suffering.

“Deep down I know how caring she is”- caring enough to work hard  but not caring enough to make you feel bad about it/ to blame you for her choice to work hard.

“it was very courageous of her to be able to.. let me go at the age of 17 to a very foreign country and live all alone”- it was also a way for her to get a daughter who rebelled against her for two years to live away from her (“After 15, I just rebelled against the control… I just started hating her”).

“instead of buying a new car or new flat, they saved for our future… they have this mentality ‘all for children’… she is a true mother.. who is capable of deep care and love that I probably will never have from anyone else, and can just hope to be able to offer one day to my own child or someone else”-

– I agree that it is very unlikely that someone else in your life will work as much as your parents worked and use their hard earned money on you (and on your sister). Your mother has been a “true mother” in that respect- working hard for her children.

“my sister and I have a comfortable life today at the expense of their discomfort, and in a way, we do owe a lot to them… Seeing all this, makes me feel very lucky… because of her silent treatments I have attachment issues… up to this day, my sister doesn’t trust her to tell her about anything personal”-

(1) Regarding “I have a comfortable life today”- your life is comfortable in some ways, but uncomfortable in other ways:

It is uncomfortable to suffer from OCD (“My OCD takes many forms and it has been part of me since I was a kid. Hair picking, hand washing, sanitising, negative thinking patterns…).

It is uncomfortable to be very harsh on yourself, to repeatedly beat yourself up,  to blame yourself, to ruminate, and to feel a lot of guilt and sorrow (“I get angry, then I beat myself up for getting angry.. I always blame myself for everything bad happening.. I blame myself, beat myself up for what I did or didn’t do. Maybe I even think I deserve it. Rumination, sorrow, guilt. I am very harsh with myself… I am a kind of person who feels a lot of sorrow and guilt”).

(2) Regarding: “I have a comfortable life today at the expense of their discomfort“- I am guessing that your mother was more comfortable to spend money on her daughters than she was to spend money on herself. Some people don’t spend money on themselves because they don’t feel comfortable doing so. Pay attention in the future: will she be spending money on herself when you and your sister no longer need her financial help.. or will she insist on spending more money on the two of you (?)

(3) Regarding: “Seeing all this, makes me feel very lucky… because of her silent treatments I have attachment issues… up to this day, my sister doesn’t trust her to tell her about anything personal”-

Imagine this: if you had  a mother who didn’t work that hard and did not blame you for her choices, a mother who  didn’t give you silent treatments.. you could have had a life free from “a lot of sorrow and guilt”, a life free from OCD, a life free from significant attachment issues and distrust… wouldn’t that be a very lucky life?

anita