Dear miyoid,

I too was ambivalent about the higher power because I had lots or preconceptions about God, e.g. I thought God was an old man with a beard who is judging me, punishing me and wants to deprive me of pleasure and joy in life. Later I realized this “God” of mine resembled my mother a little, not physically, but psychologically 😀

I was always interested in spirituality, so when I found a description of God that felt more loving and accepting, I adopted that and it worked for me. It helped me open my heart and feel the love flow through me. That helped a great deal with my feeling of being unloved and depending on others to love and care for me.

But you don’t have to choose that route for yourself, if you don’t inclined to. You can start by buying a puppy, if you love animals, or a flower that you can care for. Taking care of an animal can help you open your heart and experience that you too are capable of giving love. That there is love in your life, within you, even without someone else giving it to you.

You seem to be quite independent job-wise, since you said you started working at the age of 15 (how did that come about? was it a necessity or your own choice?). This shows that you have the capacity to take care of yourself, at least financially. Now you would need to expand that to caring about yourself emotionally too.

Do you have a role model of a very loving and caring person, be it in your own family, or just someone you know? You can have a meditation imagining them giving you love and affection, and see how it affects you. The point is to feel and anchor the love within you, so that you don’t feel dependent on others to “fill” you.