Hi TeaK

I think back then I was trying to accept some responsibility for the way my son had grown into the person he was.  When his father and I split I didn’t handle it well. At that time in my life I was dealing with so much other stuff maybe I overlooked the impact it was having on him.  He was a teenager at the time and we had always been close, but eventually he went to live with his father. He always blamed me for the split.

In recent months since his father’s death our relationship has improved considerably, but due to events I don’t want to go into I had to step back. Since I said that he hasn’t contacted me at all and I’m fine with that.

The shame and upset is really to do with my grandchild who I can no longer see. Most of my siblings have grandchildren and so it is a common topic of conversation.  When asked I will just have to explain I no longer know how she is. This will sadden them as it saddens me, so maybe I feel I have failed not only as a parent but as a grandmother.

The fact that I have a good relationship with my other grandchildren brings me joy which is now tinged with sadness.

I think when I posted before I was being very hard on myself- I do acknowledge to my son that I got things wrong but that doesn’t excuse the things he’s done either. He has apologised to me in turn.

I think I’ll just have to see how things pan out. It may just as much turn out for the best as for the worst.