dear Anita and Teak,

thank you so much for your posts ..i was reading and rereading them from last few days( because of my exams couldnt reply immediately ),and rethinking about all the situation in my childhood and most importantly this “Virgin” topic and those all unpleasant past (relationship) which disturbed me for long time and from last years i was working on  my self because this  topic”Virgin” makes me feel very worthless, insecure and the thoughts start coming “no men will ever accept me and many more” and” i should better compromise and marry any one who is ready for me ”  but then i think “No i am more than “a piece of hymen ” and not a piece of meat to be with someone (who can just have sex in the name of marriage)”..may be i cant describe those negative feelings and thoughts which comes in my mind ..

As anita asked:

“she protected you from the bone in the fish, but she did not protect you from.. anything or anyone else, did she?

You did not share a single word that she ever told you.”

So yes  Anita , you reconized correctly ..my mom is a very quiet person .we dint talk much.i dont remmenber her talking to me or her guiding me because she doesnt talk much.when i was a child she was very busy doing houshold or going out to buy things for siblings  or taking guests to hospitals (who came from village ).i remember i used to come from school at 5pm and she wasnt there at home ..or many times i was left at home with my siblings who would tease me .one insulting than the other by beating or slapping .may be she did but i dont remmember anything even we dont talk much now i call home to talk to her we just ask “how are you?” , “what are you doing ?” “what did u cook?”  but i miss her and care for her alot..we cant talk more 2 mints ..

Teak asked:

“What about your mother? How did she react to this cousin harassing you and telling you to stay at home?”

i dint tell her i dint tell anyone .i was scared that may be i m wrong to go out..and i was scared that if i tell my elder sisters they would never support me . they will say i was wrong because in my culture no matter what , “elders are always right ” like my cousin who asked me to stay home.i also experienced sexual abuse from a men who lives near to my area but i never had this gut to share with them ..AND most interestingly when i first got my periods ,i had no idea about that ,i was confused and scared ..during this time , my sister called me i was very afraid to go to her..i thought may be i did something horrible thats why i m bleeding and even though i knew i did nothing but i was scared that no one believe me.

i dint share anything to anyone because no one was ready or interested to talk to a child .i dint share what was happening in school.if i got slapped by any cousin i would just say nothing and go with teary eyes in a corner to weep..while writing now i cant stop my tears by remembering all those things again..

peace

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Peace.