Dear lk09,

They know I have always wanted to choose my own partner but the delay that happened in my sister’s marriage has scared them and they are not understanding my current mental state.

Your sister had the right to make a mistake, didn’t she? She was engaged back in 2018, and then the wedding was cancelled (not sure whose fault it was though?). And she is about 33 now, right? So she received that grace and understanding from your parents. You have the right to get the same treatment…

I have tried moving on many times in the last 2.5 years, it did not work. I have consciously tried to move on, to like other people but I am unable to. That scares me a lot.

As I said before, I believe the reason is a childhood wound… there was a dynamic with him where you were his savior, his helper, he valued you and looked up to you, you helped him in his decisions, and the two of you were similar in many aspects. You could even tell him your darkest secrets, you could be completely honest with him. You thought he was “your person”, the other half you were waiting for while watching the skies…

The truth is that you were valued and appreciated and seen by him – some of the time. But you were also unappreciated and rejected by him at other times, lots of other times. Now it occurs to me that it almost reflects your childhood experience – you were loved and appreciated by your granny in your early childhood, but then you were rejected and unappreciated by your parents and sister later.

He was the promise of perfect love, where you would be loved, appreciated and valued at all times. The childhood dynamic was there: you were doing your best to get his love (you were doing that with your parents too), you were trying to help him heal so he can finally love you. You craved for love from someone who couldn’t fully love you…  the same as in your childhood. That’s why you were so hooked, and why it’s so hard to get unhooked now.

I believe the way to heal is to learn to love, appreciate and value yourself at all times. You thought you love yourself, but when you’re accepting lesser treatment, when you need to beg for someone’s love, when you’re afraid to tell your parents not to  arrange marriage for you – all those are examples when you’re not loving and respecting yourself enough. When you feel awkward during a group setting, probably feeling judged by others (you didn’t answer why you feel awkward?), you also don’t love yourself enough. If you work on loving yourself completely, your magnetic attraction to people who can’t love you completely will lessen.