Pat,

There was much happiness inside me as I read your words, thank you for sharing your insights, confusions, and praise. You asked if telling her was a valid method of letting go, and I can understand why you might think so! Sometimes that works really well, but only if both people agree on what is there. Otherwise it becomes a battle of “who is seeing rightly” which often only fuels the anger on both sides.

Letting go is hard, but I believe in you and the Buddha inside you. But how to let go?

We think that letting go is some major release, where we see something in a new light and then we are healed. It is not the case. The light can show us the staircase out of the old way, but it is through effort and endurance that we actually let go.

To let go, first you have to know what to let go of! That’s the trick… what gets cut? Now that you are not unskillfully associating your anger with your sister, your mind is in a fertile position to see what to do!

The anger is coming from your spinning thoughts. Your mind works around the event and all the attachments you have… to your sister, your dream of your sister, your medical issues, your daughter, your pets, your sense of justice etc etc and adds steam to the cycle. It starts with “hmm, that sister sure is interesting->something in my memory hurts->how could she have said that-> what about me! -> that inconsiderate bitch!

This cycle creates the anger. Said differently, the anger and the spinning thoughts are arising together in your body. It is the spinning that causes the anger, and the anger causes the spinning. That’s it. We have delusions that it is more, but that is because we are so used to connecting “sister” to “anger” that our mind is forgotten as a key role in the process.

All you need to do is concentrate and notice when the thoughts are spinning or the body feels anger. Breathe in and out, tuning into what is there. The breath is there, some vibrations are there (that you had been calling anger) the thoughts are there. Gently move your attention away from the thoughts and into the breath. It will last a moment before the mind sucks your attention away. That’s normal. Just be patient with yourself and gently move your mind back to the breath again. Soon, the thoughts and anger will vanish. They will come back when you see/hear/think of another trigger, but those triggers decrease in strength the more you practice moving your attention back to the breath.

The breath is really any meditation object, something simple to concentrate our awareness. If not the breath, perhaps a candle, some music, you could chant om… just something other than being lost in the cycle of mind.

I am so excited you refuse to take things on faith! That means you are wisely discerning. Never assume someone is right, but trust that others have gone through similar things and might have innovations that help. Apply the innovations, try them out! If you notice they work, you won’t need faith… you’ll have authentic confidence, and that makes all the difference.

With warmth,
Matt