Another long post @Jay2023 @Sammy1. When I was younger and a bit MORE immature I used to scoff at women that I dated writing essay texts but I’m humbled today. Writing has been healing and this very thread has changed me for the better. So if any of you are daunted by walls of text. Please bare with me ahaha.  

Do I feel like the biggest dick or what! So gutted and disappointed in myself. Sammy, you were right, women really do absorb a lot of our flaws because they love us, until that one moment and it may be trivial in the grand scheme of things but it does enough to overwhelm them and question how much they mean.

Yesterday evening I ended up going around to her place. I contemplated texting her on Mon night but decided after the incident that afternoon to give her the day of space and deal with it in person. I also couldn’t face another day of staring at the screen for bloody ticks to turn blue. Patience isn’t my strongest point and I had to see her.

I did a really stupid thing though, I let myself in (I have keys too) she was in the kitchen doing the dishes and I startled her. I started to nervous laugh because I was expecting her to be mad but after the initial reaction she seemed exhausted to react further, I think she was just relieved it was me and not an intruder.

I apologised for startling her but made it clear I would not be moved until we had talked things through. It was a risky move, I went in the lounge and parked myself there and waited. I was half expecting her to ask me to leave – which I would have done if she insisted, but she didn’t. What felt like hours but was only about 10 mins later, she brought me coffee in a funny mug and I knew we were going to make headway – she always serves me one in this funny mug when we have something long or serious to discuss it’s become our thing.

When she sat next to me, I knew she wasn’t quite ready to start talking and I remembered what Sammy had said, in distress you seek closeness, so I just said come here, we don’t need to talk right away and caressed her, she stayed in my lap like that for a while, it didn’t go unnoticed by me a week ago we were cuddling like this and things went horribly wrong.

I slowly began to coax her into conversation, I said I would tell her my side and vice versa and we would just listen to each others feelings calmy and see how it goes.  I told her how I realised where I went wrong. Why I reacted like that, how the wound of the ex and ex best mate is not fully healed so I don’t want to rush into any decision it was something i had to do on my own terms as they hurt me not the other way around but I loved appreciated her forgiving and golden heart. I told her no sex was not a rejection of her but me trying to respect her knowing it wouldn’t be right to take advantage. I told her I didn’t like taking space and was sad that our communication had gone out the window.

She said when the argument happened, she was taken aback by my tone, although we had bickered before, it was not as aggressively and to have a big argument close to our wedding was worrying when you’re supposed to be excited. She said hearing ‘controlling’ was very painful. She never once had pushed me to change in anyway and had from the very beginning accepted me. She said all she ever offered was a different perspective and encouraged growth in a good way.

She said she feared that I was feeling resentful in some way. It did take her back to the first time and knew that we were both so much more invested now and her intrusive thoughts were scary.

She said she was already aware her culture was dictating certain things for the wedding so she had tried to take on even more of the load to stop me from feeling overwhelmed but in the process she herself had began to feel like she was drowning and pulled in all directions.

She said the fairytale wedding she always dreamed of no longer appealed to her (this made me feel sad as I’ve been moaning so much I’ve taken the joy out of it for her too) she said if it was up to her she would elope. But she came with family whom she has always prioritised, it was important for them to celebrate the milestone. It felt to her that I was not embracing that aspect of her as much anymore.

She’s right because selfishly i love it when it’s just the two of us we just get so lost in our own bubble. I’m family oriented but her family dynamic is very different to mine. It’s not just parents and siblings it’s extended family which I have never really experienced and many more obligations. In one way it’s inspiring and beautiful but in others it’s daunting when it comes to events.

She said as her fiancé the very least she expected was I’d want to be more involved, supportive but every task was met with a moan (@Jay2023 I don’t know if you are the same but I realised I despise the fuss around these events. I look forward to the moment she walks down the aisle and we cement our union but the rest I’d quite happily skip!)

She said she had wanted me to WANT to do things not feel like she was guilting me. Also realised the fact I wasn’t instinctively would mean in future she may have to struggle alone.

This had all been brewing and after the argument she felt like she needed to pause. To reflect, but had not intended to do so for a whole week. Just that evening and when I didn’t message her that evening it began that spiral for herself, it strengthened the feeling I didn’t care in the same way she does about me. Basically Rhaenys and Sammy you were right.

She said she switched off her  phone but as soon as she saw the message she wanted to resolve things, so got ready to come over right away and that’s why she didn’t bother replying to the text.

Sammy you were on the money about the reason things escalated in that moment. She definitely was very distressed by things and feeling everything slipping away from her and wanted to feel close again. She was mortified with herself not me, she said her own actions took her by surprise. She said in that moment she desperately wanted to be consumed by me. She thanked and agreed it would have ruined it for both of us. I reassured her it wasn’t a rejection. I told her I love her more than she feels, and after all this time it wouldn’t have felt right even if my body has been yearning for her, I so badly wanted to and she could tell I was feeling it in that moment too. So she did this little thing which she always does when she wants to give reassurance or affirmation that our time will come, she reaches for my hand, entwines our fingers and strokes my hand and kisses it, so small but feels so good it floods my heart with warmth.

She agreed seeing the state of the place concerned her too. She didn’t say this next part but I bet she thought I was behaving like a man child. I wanted to interrupt her and say the anxiety had driven me to be a mess but bit my tongue and I’m glad I did because what came next was the most heartbreaking part.

She said usually taking on so much wouldn’t bother her but something had happened that I wasn’t aware and she was protecting me from it.

She said it was the next part that was consuming her the most and she wanted me to listen carefully she had really contemplated whether going ahead with the wedding was wise. That was not because her love had reduced in any way she still loved me as much as she did from the beginning if not more but she couldn’t shake the feeling that what may happen would be an unfair burden on me. I can’t share exactly what it is she made me pinky promise to keep it between us for now and I don’t want to betray her trust even though this is an anonymous forum because it is so personal to ‘B’. I haven’t got my head around it myself yet.

For me to call her controlling given the context, on top of whining about trivial things like if we really need wedding favours and acting like a man child, when she has needed stability and strength, I feel I have failed her. It hurts. It really does. I know I’m not a mind reader but I’m her fiancé I should have known sooner something was off.

I kept myself together. Just squeezed her so tight. I told her even though I falter. I wanted her to remember my love for her was solid and nothing would break through it now. We made a pact, no matter how confronting things get, we would share everything and try not to think we needed to protect one another, instead fight it together. I told her we can never ever go to sleep on an argument ever again and this although painful was needed and we were stronger together than apart.

We kissed and by the end we were drained, she fell asleep in my arms. I carried her upstairs but all night I lay holding her and the floodgates just opened. I love her so much, I couldn’t stop the tears because I’m sad I keep failing her. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate hurting her. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I’m just a mess at times, does she deserve a person like me? That was it guys and I’m guessing you too realise what a dick I’ve been. This morning she was so chirpy but I’m stunned inside. I need to come with an action plan help me guys. I don’t want to keep letting her down she needs me more than ever.

@Jay2023 Bro thank you so much for the support over the past week. I hope you don’t disappear, you kept me in good spirits. You saved me from having to seek help from my brother who takes no prisoners. My family love ‘B’ even more than me if that’s possible. So talking to you helped save face and disappointing more people.

@Sammy1 I don’t know how you could end up in the situation you did with your ex because your advice has been incredible! Your new partner is very lucky to have such an intuitive, intelligent woman. I know you are looking to fade away from the thread but can we hold onto you a little longer please? Is that selfish of me to ask?