Dear llyana:

Your nine year old is in so much pain, so much distress, that he sometimes asks you to kill him. It occurred to me this morning, for the first time in the context of your thread, that it may be better for your son’s mental health, and for your own,  that you move out of your home and live away from your husband and son.

In your original post you wrote: “I have been depressed since my son was born though, and my relationships with him and my husband are strained. I had a very traumatic birth during which I almost died, and it profoundly affected my ability to bond with my son”- in the current living arrangement, throughout each day, your son gets repeatedly reminded that him being alive is making you depressed. Maybe he asks you to kill him so that you will  no  longer be depressed, trying to take care of you in this way.

I suggest that you first bring up my suggestion to your husband and to your son’s therapist without your son’s presence, and if the suggestion makes sense to you all, plan how to make it happen, what to tell your son, etc. I think that it will be best for your son if he thinks that his mother is happy somewhere. He needs to believe that you are okay more than anything else. It will be way better for him to know that you are happy somewhere else than to see you depressed at home.

Even if you are accepted to an excellent residential care program, and the program works for you during your stay there, it could be because you will be staying/ living away from your husband and son, but once you are back home, the depression is likely to return. In any case, your healing will take a long time and your son is hurting badly and needs help ASAP. Moving out and living away from your husband and son sounds like a good idea to me.

anita