It is your severe separation anxiety that has been disrupting your life in very significant ways, putting your life on hold (more than Covid has, more than the economic situation in your country)- it needs to be managed and healing needs to begin.

Dear Anita, I will be trying the breath exercises whenever I feel like my anxiety shows up. Also, the men I’ve mentioned in the last post, also wrote that If we can take control once the emotion/anxiety starts, then we’ll be able to go back to a normal/neutral state in 90 seconds. I don’t know if I believe this, since I cannot see any scientific proof, but I’m willing to try. I have been crying a lot in the past 2 days, and I know it doesn’t help me. The more I cry, the more I get involved with those thought loops. It hurts a lot and I start to think suicidal thoughts. I would never commit suicide because I would never be able to do that kind of stuff to my mom, and others. But not existing seems more peaceful to me in those moments. It makes sense more, then I won’t have to live with this pain and struggle with all the things we’re faced with. Living is a hard thing, especially when you have to do all the things yourself. Finding trust, finding peace, and also being able to make a living. Also, confrontation is pretty hard as well, I don’t know if I’ll be sentimental when I’m with my mom, I’m planning on visiting them for some time in 20 days. I’ll probably get sentimental and run to the bathroom to hide that. I know I won’t be able to handle that kind of confrontation.