Dear Ashmitha,

I can see how I’m settling for less than I expect.

yes, and you’re afraid to even bring it up:

I’ve vocalized that I want more real dates (going hiking, doing an activity), but I’ve mentioned it more playfully,

I am going to bring it up to him. Withhold intimacy? Ask for weekend dates? Ask for phone calls? It seems like a lot.

When you did request daily check-ins, he agreed at first but it soon tapered off:

I did tell him that I’d like to have a check-in at least daily. He agreed he could do that and it lasted for a few weeks, then tapered off (which usually happens when I bring things up).

The only good thing about him, it seems, is that he’s not rude and aggressive with you. He calmly listens to your complaints, respectfully acknowledges his mistakes, changes his behavior for a brief time, and then – nothing. Same old, same old:

When I bring up complaints, he just listens and never raises his voice at me. He acknowledges his mistakes. I appreciate his calmness because I’m used to seeing men around me with anger issues.

What you’re getting from him is a different communication style than it was of your father’s. He’s calm, never raises his voice and seemingly listens to you (but doesn’t really follow through). He doesn’t get angry or violent with you, he doesn’t threaten you, he doesn’t even quarrel with you. He’s giving away a completely different vibe than your father, and it gives you a sense of safety that you never had at home. We’ve talked about it before. You crave this safety, and that’s why you can’t be long without a partner.

So, this safety, and him being a different temperament than your father is what keeps you hooked. But he’s not giving you much else. He isn’t interested in spending time with you, he doesn’t want to bond with you except through sex, his family and friends are more important to him than you. He gives you attention once per week, but other than that, it’s almost like he forgets about you.

If you really want to get to the bottom of this, you’d need to work on your fear of being alone, because it seems to me it’s the main thing that keeps you with him. That’s why you can’t even demand things for yourself. But in this case, I don’t think there’s even a point in demanding anything, because you’ve already tried it, and it didn’t work out. And if he doesn’t want to do it spontaneously, because he loves you and cares about you, then what’s the point? Do you want someone who needs to be reminded to give you attention on the other days of the week too?

As anita says, you’d need to tell him it’s not working for you. I know it’s hard for you to let him go because of the promise of safety that he offers. That’s why you’d need to work on those deeper issues (your fear of being alone, and your fear of having any argument in a relationship), to change the pattern and open the door for a deep, satisfying relationship.