Dear Ashmitha,

it’s good that you talked with him again and expressed your needs, and also asked questions to understand him better. That’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship, and you did it well on your part.

He said “he likes you a lot and wants to make it work”. Well, what’s certain is that he likes to have sex with you and he likes your physical appearance, but other than that, he doesn’t show he likes you very much: he never talks with you on the phone, he doesn’t inquire about you during the day, he hardly replies to your texts, he hides you from his friends and family, he never spends weekends with you, and he stood you up multiple times when you had a date planned.

He only shows affection once a week – that’s when he treats you nicely, does some sweet talk, makes promises about the future, and then, he practically forgets about you…

You say you don’t think he’s stringing you along – maybe, but then he doesn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship looks like. And also, he can be caring and responsive to his friends and family – why can’t he be towards you? He doesn’t seem like some immature boy with no emotional intelligence – you said he’s quite caring with his family. But he doesn’t extend that caring to you. And it seems he doesn’t want to either – he doesn’t seem he really wants to change. Perhaps he really believes this is how the intimate relationship should be – be physically intimate, but emotionally not?

It’s good that you’re seeing it clearly that what you have isn’t a healthy relationship:

I’m feeling resentful because my needs aren’t being met with him. I don’t even require a lot of attention but this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me. I’m losing interest in fighting; I’m starting to just pull away. Him failing to be the strong man I want to marry is also making me lose attraction for him. Him letting himself be controlled by his younger sisters and female cousins is not attractive.

 

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion…. Except that I wasn’t actually mad. I feel like he thinks he’s walking on eggshells with me?

He knows you as someone who is “low maintenance”, who never or rarely complains, who is easy going… and now that you’re voicing your concerns more openly, insisting on certain things, he’s probably taken aback. He can’t get away with his sweet talk and excuses so easily any more. So maybe he got a little afraid of you, he is on unknown territory, and that’s why you feel like he’s walking on eggshells?

I feel like I’ve vocalized how I feel to him but I don’t see behaviour changes. We still hardly communicate throughout the week. But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up? I can’t tell if he wants this or not.

It seems to me that he wants “this” what you have now to continue. He wants to keep the status quo, keep feeding you the lie that he cares about you, while in reality showing very little care and respect for you. Whether he’s doing it unintentionally (not knowing better), or intentionally (just using you for fun), is beside the point, since he doesn’t really want to change. The question is whether you want “this”, or you want something else?

One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture. I’ve been told by a close male friend to stop dating and just settle down with someone. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated “a lot.” This is also in the back of my mind.

I hear you, I understand your fear of being alone – not just because of “what the people will say”, but also because of your childhood experience. In your past relationships you went in and out somewhat unaware, driven by your unconscious fears. You needed someone to be there for you and protect you, that’s why you couldn’t stay single for too long. But also you didn’t want confrontation, so you escaped as soon as there was a problem, without talking it through with your partner.

This was your pattern in the past. But now you’re more aware of those fears, you’re also more aware of your true needs and that it’s legitimate to have them. So there’s a much bigger chance that now, you won’t go blindly into a relationship, and that you won’t escape as easily either. There’s a greater chance that you go into a relationship with self-awareness, with knowing what you want and need, and being willing to communicate openly and honestly.

You’ve been doing the communication part already, which is great, and it seems to me you’re ready for a new level of relationship. If your current boyfriend isn’t willing to follow you there, isn’t willing to change, there really is no need to keep yourself stuck with him. Rather, know that you deserve better and are ready for better, and work on your fears of being alone. Soothe and comfort your inner child, tell her you’ll be there for her and will never abandon her.

Fear is the main reason that keeps you stuck in this relationship. If you can work on it and process it, you’ll be free for so much more. And trust me, a better, healthier relationship is awaiting somewhere down the line!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.