Hi Teak,

Yes, staying at home now is increasing my insecurities. Staying at home for more than a year now and lack of much social contacts apart from my mom dad and sisters family is making my mind worse. Parents are more worried and are unsecured about my marriage as they think I am aging. I am 31.3 years now and according to the normal here ,people get married at the max at 28-29. I know 31-33 is also a normal age to get married but they are so insecured and so worried that I could see that in their eyes and that makes me insecured as well. There are some perks of being at home. I get to okay with my nephews and simply watching them play gives me some happiness. But towards the end of the day I feel low for no reason. One of my greatest fear is that times is moving so fast. I am 31 already and 3 months have gone since my bday. And I will be 32 soon, 35 and 40 soon and I will be leaving this world. This is so scary and depressing. It looks stupid, I know because time doesn’t stop for anyone. But these small things are looking big to me since last one year since I came home. Not just because I am with my parents but because of the lack of enough social network. When I meet people and go to places and office I was more confident or at least normal on these small aspects. Now the world has changed completely for everyone. Even if I go to a different city, I will stay alone in a new rented place. If I think about it sitting at my place now, that also looks scary and depressing. This is how I rejected the Germany job offer. But this time I need to get out and experience how it feels no matter what happens. I am supposed to have moved out this January itself but I stayed here because I wanted to participate in the body transformation challenge. If I am outside I will end up breaking my diet and drinking. Even if I control myself, when a friend asks to drink, I can’t deny. I get tempted and I drink and I leave behind all my life goals. And I realised this last one year that how many years I have wasted just by drinking and partying instead of working on myself, working on a side hustle or creating something new. At the beginning I was so interested in created an app or software or a game. But I always gave priority to partying because I felt I will be left out if I isolate myself and work on myself. I felt I will miss out on all the fun. But on the back of head, these unaccomplishments have been piling up and created a huge regret bad feeling about myself and depression. I always thought I have time to work on those. To get my best physique, to improve dancing and do some stage performance – just within the company I work and in cultural events, not on a bug stage. To start or atleast try out something new on the side like a business. I wanted to do these before I get married. I thought I will someone along this path which I would take and that would be the compatible. But I realise things don’t go as planned. For everyone. I thought meeting her was a mistake because of all the issues that happened and the baggage that I carried. I tend to think a lot about past whenever something doesn’t happen in a good way but I know there is no use of thinking that way. I can’t deny the fact that regardless of us getting together or not, what we had was unique and nice and something in doubt I will ever have someone else. I have had relationship before but this level of closeness is something rate. Be it just friendship, feelings, companion or anything, I love what we had between us, keeping aside my depressions and confusions from it. During my past relationship, I just finished college. We studied together, we were together. We had that attachment as we met everyday. And I wanted to marry. As years passed, marriage became a big decision in my life. We met, we had feelings but it all started with a lot of chaos along and after meeting for a short while we stayed in different cities. My roommates felt what I was doing is not appropriate they didn’t ask me or talk to me about it. But I knew. I knew the kind of ruckus her sister created at my place in front of my roommates. I had to not be at home when she comes. It was messy. And provided we didn’t get to meet each other as well. So slowly things started falling apart. Atleast in my mind. But if I still can’t get over her, and can’t be with her either, not able to think about marrying other girl either, am I doomed ? I am so scared. I feel like which ever path I take I am doomed and going to be miserable. If this is only because I am overthinking, I will realise it when I move outside and meet friends and get back to normal life. Sitting at home alone in a room and overthinking about everything makes everything look scary.