Hi Anita,

Thank you as always.

I think that you are right about love and hate for me.

My feeligns have changed since I wrote this post. I spent a few days very sad, and feeling guilty for declining so many invatations over the last couple of years. I wished for his treatment to work so that I could have a month or more to make up for lost time.

I went from feeling burdened by having to go to see him so often, to wanting to go everyday even though it has prevented me from getting things done that I need to do in my own life as he is not that close and it is a long trip.

I find that the last few days I have forgotten the bad things and only thing of the good.

But at the same time a voice deep down chimes in and reminds me that bad things happened also. When I feel really sad I franticaly try to remind myself of all of the bad things I have forgotten.

It’s exausting and overwhelming to feel both of these at the same time still.

Today I feel complacent, and I feel bad for him because he is in pain.

I’m not in denial of my situation, but today I feel like i’m in denial anyway which is why I have relief from my sadness. Maybe i’m just tired of being sad for now.