Dear OrangeHeart,

I am glad that we pinpointed the most likely cause.

How do I do inner child work though?

Well,  for starters just be aware that appeasing is a defense mechanism that the little girl that you once were chose as a way to protect herself from her mother. It was also as a way to be loved and accepted – and not rejected – by her mother. Later appeasing became people pleasing…  you feeling intense discomfort if you were to do something that others object to, or if you were to express your own needs and desires. Be aware of the origin of that need to people please – it’s to appease and please your mother.

You can anchor yourself in your adult self, and be a loving, supportive parent to the little girl inside of you. Perhaps you can do a meditation and encourage her to express herself freely (maybe she would like to dance or sing or whatever the little girl would want to express), and you as the loving adult simply observe her with love and appreciation. You admire her, cheer her on, are happy to see her expressing herself.

So perhaps the first step would be acknowledging that your needs are valid and legitimate, and giving yourself love and acceptance for having those needs, rather than trying to suppress them immediately.

Do you feel like something you could do? But do it only if you feel connected to your adult self, who is capable of providing that loving attention to the little girl.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.