Dear Anita,

It’s  8:39 pm, I’m back from going out with my friends for today. My legs are my body are tired (but I think it’s a good thing), but hopefully not my mind as I still want to reply to you! (not because I feel like I have to rush, but because it’s something I enjoy to do)

” you cared that I will not feel troubled about you not replying to me, and then you cared that I will feel pressure to respond to you in a rushed manner. I don’t think I received quite such caring on tiny buddha, this is a unique/ exceptional experience for me.”

Well, it was easy for me to imagine these two possibilities, and clear communication is the only way I can see to prevent bringing such discomfort to you. Your comfort is important. I can’t be able to think of everything ahead of course, but for what I can think about, I want to make an effort so our discussion can be a good experience for you, as it is for me.

” I see hope for you but I wouldn’t say: you can do it, Linarra! You can do it, I know you have it in you.. etc. This cheerleading is not good for you or for anyone in your position, I believe, because it is likely to create pressure in you, you thinking something like: well, if I can do it.. why don’t I? What’s wrong with me?”

You understand this really well. It is nice. Often, well-intended words come with pressure and unfortunately, I don’t do well under pressure. I am grateful you are willing to talk with me no matter the outcome, it is a relief from my usual worries.

“It is regarding the reason I thought that you will choose to no longer communicate with me, and that was that I mentioned to you my experience with exchanges with men. I thought that you will be disgusted by me.”

I wouldn’t. I am far from feeling like from feeling disgusts for those who fall into that, it is a very understandable behavior when we came into this world being exposed to such exchange practice. To be honest, while being exposed to this way too much, it twists our perception, it makes it hard to believe people who do anything for you if you’re not paying the price… I used to think it was just how the world worked (and still struggling with that belief because, for some, the world does work that way…) But in the end, the only disgust there should be is the one aimed toward those who take advantage. They aren’t good people.

“what if Linarra had this shame that I have, in regard to such exchanges, will I tell her: shame on you! And I answered myself: no, I wouldn’t, while feeling empathy for you, and extra empathy at the idea of you experiencing what I did, that humiliation with men. Next, I thought to myself: maybe I don’t have to live with this shame anymore. If Linarra does not deserve this (or any other) shame, why do I? And for the first time in my life, I considered that maybe I do not have to keep living with that shame.”

I see! I am really glad! This is good. Shame is a very difficult feeling to live with, and it makes me happy if our exchanges help you to alleviate some of it.

” I wrote to you: “I think that you having an emotional attachment to me will be good for you, not bad for you”, and you answered: “I think so too, even if I am anxious about it“ I cannot tell you how crucial it is for me to not betray your trust in me. If I did so, I will be betraying my trust in me and in everything I value most highly.”

I am not sure I fear your betrayal the most. I fear making mistakes, not ill-intentioned, but due to ignorance and lack of awareness. I also fear the intensity of my feelings. Usually it isn’t a problem because I am taming them, over time it became a second nature to temperate myself. But… how to put it, I feel like our connection is challenging me and will keep challenging me emotionally.

It makes me self-aware of my usual emotional regulation when it comes to attachment. I mean, I’ve always been aware of it but I thought of it as a good thing, as a protection. From what I gathered from our conversations though, I guess this protection isn’t always the best thing (or good at all if it has anything to do with my difficulty to feel my own emotions and acknowledge them). Therefore, it makes sense our exchanges might lead to… me learning to be more open with (healthy) emotional attachment, and maybe letting myself feel my emotions. But it makes me anxious because compared to my usual state of regulation, my untempered feelings are quite… intense. And it is both embarrassing and intimidating. And it makes me feel vulnerable. And it also worries because I have to be able to deal with these emotions in a responsible way, one that wouldn’t possibly bring you discomfort.

“I am interested in continuing our communication here because it may be helpful to other members reading it, silent members that are following our communication. So, I am not interested at this time to transfer our communication to private email. It is a good idea to exchange emails in case this website is no longer available for us, and of course, for the purpose of talking on the phone. There is a way to exchange emails without the email remaining on records here and I have done it already. But no rush in doing so.”

It makes sense, alright then.

“The way to do it is: we agree to do it at a particular time, then one of us submits a post with the email address, the other copies it to paper, and the other clicks “Edit”, and deletes the email address. It needs to be done within the 5 minutes or so that the Edit feature is available after each post is submitted. I have never given my email address, it was always the other member that has done so, but I am willing to make an exception for you and post my email for you to copy. “

Understood. And that’s alright, I can do it. 5 minutes? No big deal, it can be done (when you’ll deem the time right.)

 “I will so enjoy hearing your French accent. But like I wrote above, there is absolutely no rush, it is an idea to get used to- or not, a possibility, something you may grow to like later.”

Ahah, if it was only the accent! Well, hopefully you’d be patient with my real-time mistakes.

” if I thought that I was capable enough and saintly enough to help anyone through an extended communication over time- without being helped at the same time- that would make me either too altruistic or too arrogant for my own good (and in so being, not helpful at all).”

It makes sense. I like to help too when I can but it is extended… I wouldn’t be able to do it either if it isn’t Win-Win, it wouldn’t feel good or right.

“yesterday I referred to myself in my post as a good person. I don’t think I ever did that. Later on the treadmill I perceived not feeling ashamed anymore.. now I see the connection.”

It seems to me like a great step, congratulations!!

” you are welcome to check regularly, but I think that I will let you know every time I  become aware that you are helping me, just as I did in this post.”

I guess I won’t need to check too often if you let me know. I am less worried when I am aware of what the other person is getting out of this.

“Last night I was up for a long while but I went back to sleep and was up shortly before 7, good thing!”

It’s good insomnia didn’t win this night indeed!

“Similarly and independently of your warning, I thought only yesterday about letting you know that sometimes I lose the internet, if happens quiet often and it can last for a long time when I lose electricity.”

Thank you for letting me know.

“I … hope that you experience more calm and meaning, and hopefully some joy being out with your high school friends!”

Thank you, the calm was achieved today. The meaning, maybe during a few minutes. Joy, not much that I can tell about but it’s alright. I did feel joy reading your post today and replying to it. That’s enough for me. It’s now 10:38 pm for me and I should get to bed. I hope you’ll have a good afternoon, sweet Anita!

Linarra