Dear Anita,

” (I feel like saying thank you for asking, and I didn’t yet read what you are asking)”

You’re welcome. I do ask because I want to understand better, but of course if there is anything you aren’t comfortable to answer you don’t have to.

“no, I wasn’t able to leave her or anyone.”

What about when you did leave at 24? What made it happen? Did you still felt the ongoing trap despite leaving the country? How did this escape feel?

“when you expressed intense emotions and your mother notices.. how did she react (you probably shared but I forgot at the moment)?”

Well, that depends on how she feels and which emotions she notices. I will try to explore those that don’t make the most sense. Like… why I feel shame and anxiety when I feel intense affection? If I have to connect it to my mother, I don’t have much memories related to her noticed my affection for someone. Maybe, with my roommate at college (who was also one of my high school friends so my mother knew her). I was very fond of her and at some point, my mother started to get jealous and criticize her. Of course, I defended my friend and got angry at my mother, and over time she dropped it (usually she’s aiming more at my sister’s relationships so maybe she just went back to that.)

I am not sure why it would result in shame and humiliation though. Unless… The main reason my mother criticized the few friends I had was: they were better than me… Or rather, have better context than me. I wasn’t jealous of them, mostly intrigued about different lifestyles and families, especially when they seemed healthier. My mother was getting angry over nothing, as usual. But there still were this messages I was feeling after she was making some scene “You are lesser than your friends”, “You aren’t in the same category”… Which leads to “You should be ashamed”, “If you friends were aware about your life and your family they would dislike you” or at best “They tolerate you but they would like you better if you were someone else”.  A general “you are lesser” feeling and “you may appreciate someone but you don’t deserve reciprocation“…

I guess this last one is getting closer to the issue since I’m getting a bit emotional over that. I probably shouldn’t worry that much, because I’m not lying about who I am or my life to people and I have not been rejected for that by my friend. But I still have this feeling I can’t have close connections because of that. Only superficial ones, or for the few that get deeper they would still be unbalanced because I am not enough of a person and I don’t have enough of a life to be considered as such. And therefore if I can appreciate someone as a human, I am doubtful they would appreciate me back as a human too. And I feel ashamed for even considering I could be liked as something else than an object.

“as I read your dilemma I arrived at my answer quickly, way before I got to the ending of my reading: it was (and is) a clear and confident no. Reason: “we aren’t close enough“. To stay with a person you are not close enough to, in her house, for an extended amount of time, given how you feel around other people- is far from being congruent with the gentle and patient nature of emotional healing: it is rough and extreme.”

It kind of feels extreme for me too. Honestly, if I was only listening to my feelings I would say “no”. It is too much, too sudden. I am unprepared… So if I accepted it would be under the pressure of not wanting to harm our friendship.

” I think that it can work IF (1) you are given your own room the house, and (2) she knows ahead of time that you will be spending as much time as you need in that one room, maybe ALL of the time, and (3) she is perfectly okay with that, and you trust her to be okay with it (so while there you feel no pressure to socialize with her).”

Those terms make sense. I don’t know how it’ll go, but I’ll have to talk with her and make my feelings clear. And I guess depending on how the conversation will go I’ll either go in more adapted terms and peaceful mindset or not go at all.

” I didn’t sleep well, so I am tired, still fine with replying, it’s just that when I feel so tired and uncomfortable (intestinal discomfort) I tend to be matter-of factly, not emotional, not affectionate, etc. So I wanted to let you know that if you are feeling the lack of emotion in my reply- the only reason is my physical tiredness and discomfort”

I understand. I didn’t mind but thank you for letting me know, it is good to know. I am sorry you didn’t sleep well and went through intestinal discomfort. I hope you’ll feel better soon, and will have a better rest tonight.

Linarra