Dear DC:

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words, much appreciated!

“Anita, what you have said is all so true. However I find it next to impossible to go no-contact with my mum. Sorry to disappoint“- I am not disappointed.. I did not expect you to go no-contact with your mother: I know from personal experience how difficult it is, even when you really, really want to do it.

“She says that she prays for me every night and hopes that I return to being a Catholic”– I was brought up as one but no longer believe“- maybe you would still believe and be a Catholic if your mother practiced what the bible says, Corinthians 13:4–7: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres“.

“Perhaps she does love me in her own selfish way. Or perhaps I really want to believe that. While there are tiny moments of love or kindness towards me, they are largely swamped by her abuse. Each time she does the nasty on me, I would go no-contact and she would apologise. Although I realise that her apologies are her way of getting me back into her realm. And when I do, she starts being abusive again“-

– she apologizes not because she regrets, but because she wants you back into her realm of abuse. Tiny moments of affection do not neutralize abuse. No amount of affection neutralizes abuse, or makes up for it.

“I think that I will write her messages to show that I still love her.. She is unaware“- why not add the Corinthians 13 quote, above, in boldface. It says that love does not dishonor others… Add a dictionary, so that she can look up some of the words, like .. patience, kindness.. protection.. love.

“She..  has this inflated and false sense of herself“- “Love.. is not proud.. it is not self-seeking“. If she needs a definition of “pride” and “self seeking”- hold a mirror in front of her, so that she can see her reflection.

“Hence I want to be a little compassionate – while protecting myself from her abuse“- I want you to have a little compassion for yourself while protecting yourself from abuse.

“Following on from what you wrote to me, I have been listening to a few videos/podcasts on narcs. They cannot change. They may not be bad people. They just can’t help being the way they are“- abusive parents can’t help being the way they are.. or is that it’s just.. so easy to keep abusing their children (of any age) because no one holds them responsible for it?

“Given my now heightened sense of awareness (because of you!), I have my guard up and will be very calm and unemotional when I speak to her“- this is usually the “solution” of adult children of abusive parents: I will allow her/him to abuse me.. but I will be okay with it.

The rightfully angry part of you (“within me is an anger – a burning flame – that has never been extinguished”) will not be satisfied with a “solution” of such faulty logic. The burning flame within you wants Justice and will be satisfied with nothing less!

There is the good-boy part of you that want to please the elderly abuser. I am speaking for the rightfully angry part of you that .. rightfully wants Justice. I say: be compassionate to her by making sure she has a comfortable home, medical care, access to other people so that she can socialize.. but don’t continue to avail yourself to her abuse in any way, shape or form!

anita