Dear Candice88,

I absolutely want him to pursue his passion of music, and I don’t want to get I’m the way of that. But if I didn’t say anything, he would make music 11pm-7am, then either pass out or get to work late for some other reason, come home late because of that, repeat. He has lost many jobs with these habits, and since he’s lied so much about his drug abuse it’s hard to tell what is healthy music making and what is meth induced obsession.

I see… so he has a day job, and making music is his passion, which he does in his spare time. In that case, I see how him spending nights in the garage, “making music”, can be harmful to both his livelihood, his health, as well as your relationship.

We made a compromise last year that he would tell me ahead of time “hey, this is a music night so don’t expect me to be present”. I said I’d love half of the nights each week to share a bed with him. He has YET to use that system we agreed to, instead telling me he’s coming then never come.

Yes, that would make sense: 1) to organize his day so he can create music and yet not stay up the whole night, and 2) if he absolutely needs to stay up late, to limit it to one or two nights a week, e.g. Friday and Saturday night, when he doesn’t have to go to work. If he absolutely refuses to stick to any kind of agreement, and just does as he pleases (and causes harm to both of you in the process), it’s not a relationship because he totally disregards you.

In his car he is on his phone, smoking his cigarettes while texting people and watching videos.

He wants to stay away from your “criticism”, I guess. It’s like a teenage boy hiding in his room from his mother… Well, I think you stayed long enough with him, trying to work out a compromise, trying to be patient and understanding… but nothing worked. If you want good for yourself, you’ll stop trying and simply wait till October 1 to move out, and never look back…  A big lesson learned, hopefully not to be repeated…

As for S, I think this is very true about him:

It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

Yes. He for some reason was super kind and loving to you when you met, he “admitted his mistakes” and professed he still loved you, but that he won’t act on it, since both of you are with other people. To his credit, though, he did email you afterwards, stating you can’t be together:

Then he emailed me reinstating that we cannot be in each other’s lives at any capacity for the foreseeable future, which I know is the mature move.

So he sort of gave you closure, he told you it’s not going to happen between the two of you. But I understand your drive to write him nevertheless and explain how you feel, specially since now you know that you’ll be leaving M, so things have changed on your side.

Anyway, he seems to remember things differently now: he is claiming that it was you who pursued him, and you who made him behave disrespectfully towards his girlfriend. And you who caused him anxiety. As if he never opened the door for you, with these words:

he told me he still loves me too. How we are both on each other’s minds, how we are each other’s “big ex”, the relationship we always wanted to work out. He said “it should be you with me”, and “I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you”.

When I first read these words, they sounded fake. This is what I wrote you back then: I am sorry but this doesn’t sound sincere to me. It’s like he is putting up a front of this mature, considerate guy and white-washing his past actions. And I still believe this to be true. He was faking his kindness and “love”, wanting to appear mature and not an a**hole like you remembered him. That’s probably why he insists on being friends with his exes:

Additionally, he is friends with all of his exes and has his current gf be friends with them, as he did to me when I was with him, even though he knows it makes her uncomfortable.

He probably hates to be seen as a bad guy, as the guilty party, so he tries his best to smear over his past actions with some syrupy stuff. And that’s what he did when he met you too. His words were syrupy and fake: We are both on each other’s minds.  We are each other’s “big ex”. It should be you with me. I never thought I would see you again and NOT be with you.

I believe he wanted to create an image of himself as this kind, loving, wonderful guy, but didn’t think you would fall for it. That’s why he is now “frustrated about your dependence on him.” He didn’t want you to fall in love with him and start demanding things from him – he only wanted you to see him in a positive light. He only wanted to white-wash his image.

But why does seeing me once cause him so much stress? I see it as, once again, a sign that he’s not over me. And is scapegoating me as the antagonist in his life, as opposed to his own actions and emotions he needs to work through.

You cause him distress because you want things from him, which he cannot and doesn’t want to give you. He is scapegoating you because he doesn’t want to admit that his sleazy and lying words caused you to start having hopes about him again. His strategy backfired. It’s exactly what you said:

It makes me feel like a major part of him didn’t change. He did this same thing when he had cheated…messing with my emotions and then blaming me for feeling the after effects, when in reality he couldn’t grapple with or accept his own guilt.

He messed up with your emotions again, being insincere and lying about his feelings, having no intention to be with you, but only to white-wash his image. This is my impression of him.