Dear TeaK

Thank you once again for ur reply.

“You meet many random people in the street or in the shops – do you think they care about how tall you are? Are you adjusting your position in the shop, so not to stand near a tall guy or a girl in heels? I am exaggerating, but this is what you are actually saying. That instead of healing your emotional wound, which causes you to believe that you are worthless due to your height, you believe that choosing a good spot while taking photos will bring you peace of mind?“

= I think it’s because there are some people who havent really met me for a long time… and i remember they viewed me as a “tall guy” because i always wear tall shoes that i’m mostly taller than girls in every pic. And by seeing that pic i believe they would take back that comment they made and viewed me as the short guy. I’m really happy that time when they viewed me as “a tall guy”, at that day i keep telling myself to always look taller in most pics… i never failed until that “pic”.

Even that “girl” who i reject me to focus on uni, viewed me as a tall guy because she never met me and she could only see from social media pics…. Idk how she reacted when she saw that “pic”.

It’s not wrong right for me to always try to make myself look taller in every pic, like how most girls try to look skinny in every pic…. This is what i’ve been doing…

Tbh when u ask that do i adjust my position in the shop to make my height more ideal, yes i did… i always try to make myself look tall when talking with someone random… and also every time a random person passed through me in the mall… i’ll always compare each of their height with me… i know it sounds crazy but it’s what i think when people passes through me in the mall…

I tried to stop my frustration by punching, i punch my bed with anger…. It gives me a temporary satisfaction that i can release my anger, but still i cant get rid of this frustration.

I also haven’t mentioned that in my uni days i used to be close with a girl in my uni, when she’s still in high school she’s really fat.. but when i met her on uni she’s not that fat and i saw her attractive so i get close to her… And she’s the same height as me…

I know it’s confusing because i said that i texted that “girl who rejected me to focus on uni” but i did get close to this girl too.

Long story short, we stopped chatting because she didnt reply me the same way after a few months of getting close with each other…. One of her friends that i know told me that she feels she’s bigger than me and she also wants to focus on loving herself and on her diet. That situation killed me, i also struggled on our same height, i’m afraid that her parents might push me away when they saw i’m the same height as her…. i keep trying to be brave….  But then she leaves me…. It really hurt my self esteem…

I think my sense of worthlessness develops throughout the year because i experience numerous scenarios which triggers it.

Life is so hard, not only i have to keep on living with this struggles… i also need to do well on my job and achieving things in life…. It’s really exhausting…. I’m really trying to keep myself mentally strong… i dont seem to find life as a happy journey anymore… every day is a survival and full of struggles….