Dear Speaklow,

I have found myself in an unhealthy relationship which started 3 years ago. I am 32, and he is 39. A gulf exists between us, exacerbated not only with drastically different lives but also cultures.

I think that the relationship is beyond salvaging. Sometimes one must know when to quit, and actually stick to it. Too much toxicity, too much pain, and he won’t end it, so I must for us both to hopefully heal.

I agree, it does seem like your relationship is beyond salvaging, and the very setup in which he is your life and business partner, but he refuses to divorce his wife is unhealthy. You work full time in both of your business, and he doesn’t work at all but is taking out the money though? (I work in both full time; he is currently unemployed and has been for months, but does not put in effort beyond what seems to be mostly criticism. I take on most, if not all, of the mental load in both businesses because if I didn’t, no one else would. A further update is that I see that he is starting to draw money out of both businesses politely)

He wants to sell you his share (although at a too high price), which means he too knows the end is approaching and he is preparing for that. And he wants to extract as much money as possible from you, so I believe you’re right when you say: “I no longer feel like there will be any kindness or fairness, not even basic respect and residual love from him anymore”. He knows you want out, so he wants to maximize his profit, even though the deal might not be fair for you.

Even posting here, makes me feel like I am in some way betraying him, because I am talking about him to others. It’s something he seems to feel keenly about; that I cannot talk about him to others, because he is a very private person. Him saying he has been backstabbed by me this time, is not the first. My heart is heavy, my eyes are swollen, and my tissue box is running low — if I am the horrible partner he is making me out to be, then why didn’t he leave, and why am I finding it so hard to leave?

Well, it seems to me that he has been a lousy partner all this time, both as a romantic and a business partner. He refused to get a divorce, and you tolerated it. Also, he was minimally engaged in your businesses, and yet was drawing income? And now he is accusing you of complaining to someone about his bad behavior? Now you are the bad guy, and he is innocent?

No, you’re not a horrible partner, but a too tolerant one. You allow yourself to be blamed, when the blame should be on him. He didn’t leave because it suits him to draw money while not contributing to the business at all. I think he didn’t leave for selfish reasons.

why am I finding it so hard to leave?

Because you don’t respect yourself enough and a part of you believes that you indeed are to blame?