Anita,

reads to me that you did NOT lose your friend- you lost the friend he never was; you lost the man on a pedestal. You lost your hopes and dreams and love for.. a man who did not exist. Imagine this silly image: you meet a turtle which is a cold-blooded reptile, and you make-believe and assume that it is a cute, warm puppy. You hug the “puppy”, feeling warm and happy. Fast forward, over time, you are noticing that the “puppy” is not behaving like a friendly, affectionate puppy, and you don’t feel warm when you hug the puppy, so you get hurt and angry at the “puppy”, while not quite seeing that it is not a puppy but a turtle. So, you keep feeling devastatingly surprised, hurt and angry by the behaviour of the turtle simply because you keep thinking of it as a puppy. 

The problem is he pretended to be a puppy at a time when I needed a puppy the most.  the problem with pretence is it doesn’t last. the stupidest thing I did was believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. I was painful to open with him. I poured my heart into this person and by doing so I literally gave him the keys to hurt me. he played along because he thought he would benefit from me in a way. the minute he realised I would need his help he got mean.

I am not a spiteful person and I didn’t imagine his mean behaviour. Yes I fantasized about bad things happening to him. but that’s because I wanted him to feel the pain and despair I felt.

“I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate… it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything”-

In one of our many conversations after the break-up, I told him openly about how ashamed I was when I realised I was the only one in the friendship. That I was the only one that thought we were friends. the embarrassment and anger I felt was overwhelming.

Him saying sorry to me, not for me. it’s about him feeling better about himself.

I think that you are still attached to the image of Christopher up on that pedestal and you keep getting angry that the real Christopher is not the one on that pedestal. See him for whom he is, and you will no longer keep getting surprised that he.. is who he is.

Not anymore. That’s why I no longer feel this gut-wrenching anger when I see him. I feel both sorry and sad. at our age, burning bridges… really sad. The truth is am a great friend. I am not saying this because I am talking about myself. I am the type of friend that loves my friends deeply.

I am working towards indifference.

I will get there.

Elizabeth.