Dear Rachal:
You said his sexual fantasy might be related to his parents stuff but he first brought this fantasy up 6 years ago when his parents knew nothing
It’s strange that he has been hiding your relationship for so long. Does it mean he only told his parents about you 3 years ago, and that’s when “the parents fiasco” happened? They have never even met you (his parents havent even met me they dont even know me), and yet they have been rejecting you since day 1. That’s bad. I guess he knew they wouldn’t approve of you, and that’s why he has been hiding the relationship. Am I right in thinking that?
If this has been going on for 12 years, it means that his inner conflict might have lasted since then. One way of dealing with the inner conflict could be to create a split in his mind, where one part of him doesn’t like you and wants to humiliate you, like his parents do. That way he could still be with you, and at the same time stay “faithful” to his parents too. I am not saying this is what’s really happening, but it can be, based on what you’ve shared.
his mom has alwsys been the one taking decisions on behalf of the family always and my boyfriend to avoid conflict has always given her an impression that she is in control of his life too
If he has the need to keep her happy by doing what is expected of him, that’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t want to get married to someone like that. He’d really need to solve this issue and stop seeking approval from his parents.
he said there is no way I will blame you or look at you as the reason for all this because the reason is only me and my parents and not you,
Rationally, he knows you’re not to blame, but subconsciously, he is still seeking approval from his parents. As long as he doesn’t sort that out, it will affect your relationship and your marriage. If not in other ways, it may via his sexual fantasies, in which he is disrespecting you.
may be I am overthinking or may be not I dont know. I dont know may be I am thinkimg too much and feel drained!
No, you’re not overthinking. You are right to be upset and cautious about your common future. The way things are now, it’s not good. He’d need to sort out his relationship with his parents and stop seeking their approval (and even cut ties with them if necessary), otherwise you’ll have problems in your marriage, unfortunately.
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