Dear ginn,

I’m sorry if I’m expressing this a little messy because I’m not sure what’s wrong to my life and my thoughts are a little bit jumbled. Hope we can piece it all together and figure it out. Thank you all very much indeed for your time, from my bottom of my heart.

you are very welcome, and don’t worry, you aren’t expressing yourself messy. Our lives are complex, there are many factors to take into account, and it takes time to get a clearer picture. But I too hope we can piece it all together is figure it out.

My parents are always supportive for everything I want to do in my life. That’s why I really appreciate them and want to help them to retired earlier. Because I was among the many children, I was the best academically, in terms of overall performance. So my dad has highly expectations on me. But my dad did always criticised me when I didn’t do well in anything. When I cried because I was stressed about small things, he would criticised me that why I was being so weak and useless, how could I achieve bigger things in life if I can’t even handle a little stress and small obstacles. I believe he is trying to comfort me and telling me it is okay, not a big deal.

I think I understand it a bit better now: your father had high expectations on you, considering that your family was rather poor and you did the best in school amongst your many siblings. You were the hope for the family to have a better life, if I understood well. Perhaps your father was specially focused on you and your performance (more than your other siblings), wanting you to be at the top of your game academically, and criticizing you when you did something wrong. He also criticized you when you were stressed and crying about smaller things, telling you were “weak and useless”, and that you will never achieve anything in your life if you can’t handle such small obstacles.

His intention was to toughen you up, so you wouldn’t be so vulnerable later in life. However, such attitude can be very damaging for the child, because they are constantly criticized for not being good enough and not meeting the parents’ expectations. When a child cries – even for a small thing – they need consolation, not to be told they are weak and useless.

You said you rather skipped the piano exam than potentially fail and embarrass yourself:

I ran away from piano exam when I was twelve because I don’t want to fail it and embarrassed of myself.

You also said:

I hate myself because I didn’t being honest with my parents, maybe they could support me and let me know is okay to be fear

Considering that your father used to criticize you for showing fear and weakness, I don’t think he would have supported you if you were honest with him. You knew he probably would have criticized you for being so weak and afraid, and that’s why you didn’t want to tell the truth.

I think you had (and still have) a very big burden on your shoulders: to be a high achiever and lift your family out of poverty, and also to be tough and strong and unafraid – like a soldier. Anything less than that isn’t good enough. Those are quite impossible expectations, specially for a sensitive female child. No wonder you can’t meet them, and why you are getting stressed and feeling trapped…

It seems to me you would need to 1) allow yourself to be weak and vulnerable (let go of the expectation on yourself to be tough and self-composed), 2) know that you are good enough, even if the inner and outer critics tell you you’re not.

From that place of self-compassion and trust in yourself, you will be much freer to think about your life (I believe that my family and freedom are indispensable things in my life.), your passions, and how to proceed.

How does this sound?