Hi anita

You’re right. I am hurting. And also I took some time to think about this. I am disgusted by myself. Maybe it is from an imagined male perspective I have internalized and not really my true opinion. But my body is disgusting. And my life is filled with problems. I am not an interesting person. These are the thoughts I have. I think I’ve rejected myself.

I wonder how that works. Afraid something that is already happening will happen. It reminded me of a Telugu( my mother tongue) movie scene. It is supposed to be funny but preachy too – The hero slaps the comedian and says, “I’ll make you ask for more slaps”. The comedian says, “there’s no way I’ll ask, since it hurts”. The hero then takes out his belt and the comedian goes, “ok let’s go back to the slaps”. It sounds violent but wasn’t potrayed as such. Point being you will sometimes live with the pain you have as trying to remove it may bring more pain.

My life is wrong. But if I go somewhere to correct it, will it turn worse? I don’t know if this thinking is why I am struggling or if it is just self loathing. Or just knowing men won’t like me. I don’t know. But what you said made me recall this scene.

I will mourn the past for now. I am a fearful person. But I don’t know if it is just fear that is holding me back. How do you fight fear? Exposure therapy in this case is too intense for me. I can’t put myself out there completely for love yet.

Girija