Dear Jess:

I want to correct myself: the romantic ideas of soulmates, first love/ forever-love/ fairytale love (the endings of fairytales: “And they lived happily ever after”), is not a matter of teenage girls and women in their early 20s, like I suggested. There are women in their 50s and 60s that I know, with this kind of mindset. It’s just that I wish it was a matter of early age, something that women grow out of.

Here is part of Wikipedia’s entry on “Romance (love)“, this part is titled “Relationship maintenance” which refers to “a variety of behaviors used by partners in an effort to stay together… the use of communication behaviors to keep a relationship strong and to ensure that each party continues to draw satisfaction from the relationship“.

“Maintaining stability and quality in a relationship is the key to success in a romantic relationship… simply staying together is not sufficient; instead, the quality of the relationship is important. For researchers, this means examining behaviors that are linked to relational satisfaction and other indicators of quality… five great strategies based on maintaining quality… are to provide: Positivity: being joyful and optimistic, not criticizing each other. Assurances: proving one’s commitment and love. Openness: to be honest with one another according to what they want in the relationship. Social networks: efforts into involving friends and family in their activities. Sharing tasks: complementing each other’s needs based on daily work” –

– the reason I added the above is that I am concerned that you maybe you are getting overwhelmed by the emotions of the moment, your emotions, his emotions, when what is important for the long-term satisfaction in a relationship is not the emotions of the moment, but the qualities listed above. And when you look at the history of your live-in relationship with your ex, it was not one that provided you with relational satisfaction, neither is it one that is likely to change in this regard.

anita

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