Dear Jess:

You are welcome, I am glad that you understand that being imperfect is not the same as doing wrong. We are all imperfect, and we can’t be perfect long-term no matter how hard we may try. And so, if it is not possible for us to be perfect (beyond a moment, or an hour, or maybe a day), then we are not guilty of being imperfect.

“My mom would drink some beers weekly and on the weekend. This is when she would feel more comfortable opening up about her feelings towards her relationship. When she would do this, my stepdad thought she was ‘delusional’ and just being emotionally drunk, but in reality, it was her way of being honest” –

– I have no doubt that she was honest when drinking and talking, but she may have been honest about her childhood experience, incorrectly projecting it into her marriage to your stepdad. For example, let’s say that your mom was severely emotionally neglected as a child. Fast forward, your stepdad gives her attention and care (although imperfectly), but your mother focuses on the imperfections and imagines that he neglects her as severely as her parents did. When drinking, her feelings are raw and very honest… only she is talking (without being aware of it) about her childhood.

And so, even though she was honest about how she felt, your stepdad could still have been correct when saying that she was delusional and emotionally drunk.

“I don’t know exactly why they split up and who made ‘imperfect’ decisions that affected the overall relationship. I might have to open up to my mom about it so I can be more clear about my own feelings” – your mom may still be confused, inaccurately projecting her childhood into her adult life (it is very, very common to do that), so if you talk with her, she may confuse you further instead of helping you gain clarity.

Maybe your stepdad, since he wasn’t the one in the marriage drinking, maybe he can help you gain clarity?

anita

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